Movie Review – “Grimm”

Since subscribing to Netflix I’ve mostly been watching things streamingly. Getting a DVD in the mail and sending it back seems very 2007, somehow. I wasn’t sure if I would ever use the mail-order DVD service at all. But they have a decent selection of foreign-language films, and as I was watching one of them I realized there was an option to turn the subtitles completely off – and hey that’s cool. If I can do that, I can practice my Dutch. (Last time I tried to watch Dutch movies it was with the movie “Karakter” on VHS, and you can’t turn the subtitles off. It’s so distracting, at one point I taped paper over the bottom of the screen.) For years I haven’t been able to listen to anyone speak Dutch except on internet radio, and I don’t want to lose all my spoken language skills, so I started ordering Dutch language movies. But here’s the thing. Dutch movies come in only three varieties, as far as I can tell.

1. Movies about The War in Dutch or in English (if you have to ask which war, you’ve never seen a Dutch movie. ) – these movies can be good or bad, it’s a mixed bag.
2. Movies made by Dutch people,  not about the war, filmed in the English language – these movies can be good or bad, it’s a mixed bag.
3. Movies not about the war, filmed in the Dutch language – these movies care almost invariably bad. The movies that cannot get funding to be made in English are apparently never supposed to be made at all. And I am not saying that I LIKE it that way, I am only saying what I have observed to date.

So anyway, I know by renting a movie in Dutch I am taking a chance that it’s going to blow. However, it’s nice to practice my skills, as I said, and I can always just have in on in the background while I do other things. Even with that low standard, “Grimm” is going to earn a menstrual cup rating from me. Here’s the official synopsis:

Dutch director Alex van Warmerdam defies tradition in this absurdist, darkly comic retelling of the classic “Hansel and Gretel” fairy tale. Brother and sister Jacob and Marie (Jacob Derwig and Halina Reijn) are abandoned by their family in the forest, with no other guidance than a note advising them to travel to Spain to visit their wealthy uncle. Embarking on a surreal odyssey, the siblings find their fortunes taking a number of unusual turns.

Now, you can’t tell it from that very small cover art there, but those are two grown-ass people on the cover. A Hansel and Gretel rehash with grown-ass people at the center makes no sense. Sure, they’re left alone in the woods by their father. But they’re not retarded – why don’t they go do something for themselves? Sitting on the ground and crying as an adult is very tempting, I agree, but it’s not really a workable life plan. So they’re promptly taken hostage by a farmer and his wife, and the man is sexually molested at gunpoint, while the woman is locked in a shed or something.  (Of course, it’s only molestation b/c the farmer’s wife is meant to be perceived as unattractive. If she’d been “hot” it would have been a fantasy seduction scene. Don’t even get me started there, though.) They escape by knocking the fat farmer and his fat wife through a cement wall (Ha ha! Nothing funnier than fat people falling down! ) and then promptly turn to a life of crime/prostitution.  They kill their first john, find a gun, and take off for Spain on a motor scooter. Once there they do more crimes, then get taken in by some Spanish guy who marries the girl while the guy mopes around being all incestuously love-lorn. Then we get all urban legend, as the guy is knocked out and his kidney snatched for the dying sister of his sister’s new husband. Confused yet? They make their magical escape, then hide out in a Spanish ghost town, disinfecting his wound with out-of-date eggnog, and then riding a donkey and practicing archery until the evil bad husband comes to “claim his wife” and they kill and bury him in the middle of the ghost town. After which point the girl says “I want to go home.” and they head off for home on the motor scooter. Begging the question, if they had a home to go to – why did they travel to Spain in the first place?

Ugh. It was a hot nonsensical mess. It MIGHT have been more interesting if the actors were children. You can see children making these choices, and forgiving them, or at least having empathy. But with grown people playing the parts you can’t feel anything but disgust for their idiocy.  Anyway, it blew.

But it was still nice to listen to Dutch being spoken. Let’s hope the next movie will be a smidge better though.

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Friday Five Things You Like to Smell

Kind of a simple Friday Five this week – I was pondering the weird things that some people find pleaseant or unpleasant to smell, and thought I’d take a poll. So here are the Friday Five things that you like to smell. (I’d like to take this opportunity to congratulate our menfolk for not going there – honestly.)

jeniburns - @superbadgirl #fridayfive magnolias, orchids, tea roses, Joe after a day of work, and Brodie’s hair after a shower. #yeahIknowImgirly

superbadgirl - Roses growing in my garden, gasoline, sandalwood candles, cookies baking and Vick’s Vapo-Rub. #fridayfive

narcise - old leather, lemon peels, vetiver, the rose bush in my front yard, wet soil #fridayfive

cbellers - @superbadgirl sandalwood, fried potatoes, burnt gunpowder, lavender, @zsb3 ’s skin. #fridayfive

avandonsel - @superbadgirl Freshly washed sheets, good chocolate, sandalwood, those damn Kevin Murphy hair products, coffee, gardenias. #fridayfive (six)

p_tea - @superbadgirl Hoppe’s #9, 90w gear oil, Lori’s head, cookies fresh out of the oven, leather. #fridayfive

avandonsel - @superbadgirl Interesting… so far three votes for sandalwood.

narcise - @avandonsel sandalwood and night-blooming jasmine are also on my list, but no room!

trmink - @superbadgirl bacon, baby powder, cedar, fresh basked bread, new books.

_bunny_ - @superbadgirl Roasting coffee beans, grilling meats, wet pavement, pesto, olfactory silence. #fridayfive

UnclePilot - @superbadgirl Rocky, Rocky II, Rocky III, Rocky IV, and Curly Sue. #fridayfive

superbadgirl - @UnclePilot I wonder what a roundhouse kick to the face smells like?

_bunny_ - @superbadgirl Like blood and victory.

violentecstasy - @superbadgirl patchouli, carmelizing onions, wet soil, leather, the air right before it rains. so hard to pick just five. #fridayfive

laurabean - @superbadgirl fresh cut wood, bpal’s lampades, peppermint, fancy pumpkin candles, pages of old books #fridayfive

Lorizs_tweets - Old Books, vanilla, pink sugar goat milk soap, cinnamon and my grandma’s house. #fridayfive

The_Cyr - @superbadgirl @vforvero’s morning shower, cinnamon rolls, used book stores, camp fires, summer storms. Also…deez nutz #fridayfive

El_Dickman  @superbadgirl Roasting garlic, fresh turned garden earth, slow cooked dry ribs, fresh cut grass, sage desert after the rain #fridayfive

drew_w - @superbadgirl cucumber-melon, eucolyptis, baby, leather, napalm in the morning.

cassiland - @superbadgirl brewing coffee, real sandalwood, fresh man sweat, linseed oil and turpenoid together, tomatoes still on the vine #fridayfive oooh, and fresh cut lumber, ivory soap, cedar chests, and freshly printed paper (not glossy) #fridayfive (tough to choose)

k_del - @superbadgirl Cupcakes, coffee beans, dogs feet (fritos), firecrackers, cilantro #fridayfive

stevodarkly - Coffee, barbecue smoke, menthol, chili cooking, & girl. Also hot chocolate, pipes that smell like hot chocolate, leather. #fridayeight

Joule - A spring thunderstorm, baking bread, the wild green smell deep in a rainforest, L’eau D’Issey perfume, Meyer’s lavender soap #fridayfive

ZSB3 - Ice rinks, the back of @cbellers neck, sawdust, gardenia, coffee. #fridayfive

SgtHotpants - #fridayfive Nick’s scent and cologne, Method Almond wood floor cleaner, caramelizing onions, white truffles, Clinique Happy Heart.

SgtHotpants - See also: puppy breath, jasmine, roasting garlic, my house, coffee

thatcesareguy - #fridayfive Ozone, old books, jasmine, cinnamon, pipe smoke.

sub_english - Libraries, tomato sauce, dirt in the springtime, autumn leaves, the smell of rain through an open window #fridayfive

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…Heaven

So I finally got my creative ass in gear and posted something new over at The Grand Conspiracy today. I think a lot of us have been thrown in the creative doldrums over the holiday season – I was uninspired because everyone else was uninspired, and also my brain was busy with other things. Usually what I write comes to me in a mental image, or a really clear idea. “What if blah blah blah?” my brain asks me, and then I explain to my brain what would happen in that situation, and then I write it down.

Lately I’ve been pondering a lot of things about love and connection. Lost loves most of all. I think because there’s this monumental, eternal quest to find the person who fits you, who loves you, who makes you feel safe – I always wonder what happens if you find that person only to lose them? I read and hear so many stories of loss – every day is filled with so many deaths. How does anyone stand it? How does anyone find their person and then survive the loss of that person? It’s all quite beyond my limited emotional scope I think, to conceive of going on in the face of that. Empty space where once stood someone you love – how is that to be borne?

I’ve also been listening frequently to the Watson Twins cover of The Cure’s “Just Like Heaven.”  (It’s on the True Blood soundtrack, which is pretty awesome in its entirety.) When the Cure does the song it’s bouncy and driven. When the Watson Twins do it, it’s mournful and full of loss.

And upon reading them more closely I realized that the lyrics can be rather nonsensical or they can be lonely – and here they’re lonely. And the line “I found myself alone, alone, alone above a raging sea.” lingered with me particularly for the first time in the 20+ years I’ve been loving that song. And then I realized why someone was alone above a raging sea, and how sad it was.

Anyway. I think we’re going to a once per month posting schedule over there, which I hope to be able to maintain. Hope you enjoy the piece.

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Out of the mouths of me

Tonight I was reading through a very old chat session that I had with MyTodd™, and I ran across this pearl of wisdom:

me: “It is not my job to comfort people. It is my job to poke at their ego with my sharp tongue until they run screaming and collapse in a broken fetal heap on the floor.”

At least I WIN at understanding my purpose in life.

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Friday Five Things You’d Buy

This week’s Friday Five (accidentally) ties in with last week’s Wednesday Playlist (songs about materialism) which I, um, haven’t posted yet due to circumstances ENTIRELY beyond my control. Once I think of what those circumstances were I will tell you all about it. You will be understanding then.

ANYWAY. Friday Five was about what you’d buy today if you had the money. Sky’s the limit, you have big wads of fat cash – what would you purchase? Here’s what you had to say.

• jamietoon – A Taurus Judge, A new bass rig, A Larger Higher-Definition TV, A bunch of big canvases, A new motherboard /processor #fridayfive
• narcise – 32″ LCD TV, Hammerless Ruger SP101 .357, macbook pro, amy van donsel painting, triumph street triple. #fridayfive
• thatcesareguy – @superbadgirl the penthouse at the chase, a maserati, a full home entertainment package, a new wardrobe, and Apple. (not AN Apple, you know, Apple, the company. first thing? rename the iPad to something less…cotton-y)#FridayFive
• superbadgirl – 2010 Jeep Grand Cherokee, a house with a moat, a new 9mm pistol, a diamond tiara and my very own bar. #fridayfive
• ieincognito – @superbadgirl houseboy, distillery, new camera, something lelo, lunch #FridayFive
• Lorizs_tweets – @superbadgirl large parcel of farmable land, 69 Camaro SS, bigger house, camera equipment, and a lifetime gym membership
• violentecstasy – Debt-free status, new furnishings, a gardening assistant, land in the country with a spring, a car for @getoffmylawn . #FridayFive
• jeniburns – My dream house, 2010 KIA Soul with all the options, a king-size bed, a sushi bar, and a new pair of Doc Marten 1B60’s #fridayfive
• H_Wallbanger – @superbadgirl New tires, rear brakes, a ridiculously expensive stereo, the entire contents of Randall’s Liquor Store, and Microsoft
• stevodarkly – A ride on SpaceShipOne, vacation to Australia, vacation to the UK, 2 7-foot teak bookcases, services of a maid. #fridayfive
• p_tea – @superbadgirl Barrett 82a1, RS 6 Avant, Nordic 28 Heat, a Warehouse in midtown and some land in the country #fridayfive
• _bunny_ – @superbadgirl Gibson SG Standard (Cherry finish), Traveler Speedster, Roland Mobile Cube, M-Audio virtual mellotron, Pro Tools #fridayfive
• Lorizs_tweets – @p_tea Oh, the Nordic 28 heat, I thought about that one too.
• cbellers – @superbadgirl My Aunts house on Flad, 100 acres in the country, half of Pete’s warehouse, a .50BMG rifle, 4×4 van.
• butterflyfish_ – @superbadgirl SUV w/ 4WD, beach house in so cal, Fox network, Fox News, and the next Mass. senate race. #fridayfive
• The_Cyr – @superbadgirl payoff all debt including house and car, vacation in Scotland, another in Mexico, Les Paul Custom, hire a lawn service.
• El_Dickman – @superbadgirl Payoff my house, build out garage and back yard, buy land in the country, land in Costa Rica, land in New Zealand.
• Joule - Grad school & expenses paid, my house finished including solar heat systems & a roof greenhouse, health ins for my mom… A trip to the tropics with Dave, tickets expenses for burningman #fridayfive
• avandonsel – @superbadgirl 2 story warehouse, materials for the remodel, fuel efficient truck or SUV, studio assistant (well, hire), trip to Europe.
• SgtHotpants – @superbadgirl S&W 315 Night Guard, the empty lot next door and a company to level it, a nicer car, apartment for dad, Nick’s debt. Second thought: Dog bed, endless supply of bones, better obedience training, yummy dog shampoo, and a girlfriend for Charlie.
• trmink - @superbadgirl Trip to Thailand, Case of Lagavulin Scotch, a massage, home in NoCal, new underwear

So there they are – all your really needful things! And I WILL find time to post the answers to last week’s dinner-guests Friday Five, only I saved the answers at work and forgot to email them to myself, and Twitter is too much of a PITA to search for things that are a week old.I can post out of order if I want to anyway! So there!

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Range Rover

So I went to the range on my own tonight for the first time. It’s a different comfort level that I am looking for – I need to be able to just go do this male-dominated thing without a backup penis, even if it feels weird. Fuck the boys club, fuck if I was the only woman there, I need to get used to it.

Anyway, it was kinda weird from the get-go, because I wanted to buy more ammo before I went, but they were totally out of 38s at the gun shop I went to, the shelves were freaking bare. So I determined to just buy ammo at the range. Big fat mistake. Apparently $18-$20 would be a decent, normal price for the ammo I shoot, but at the range they had a $24 box and a $30 box. After a quick phone call to confer with my compatriot, I was educated to the fact that the $24 box was reloaded ammo. Really. $24.00 – so then I was faced with, do I pay $30 for an $18 box of ammo just so I am not paying  $24 for a $10 box of ammo? Or do I just save the $6 since I am there? Honestly, I was going to shoot at least 2 boxes, but at those prices not so much. So anyway I just sucked it up and paid for the reloads. One of which (see below) was curiously stunted for some reason, but instead of complaining to them about it I kept it so Pete could make fun of it and tell me what the hell was wrong with it. Everything’s educational, right?

OK so anyway. I wanted to just get some more practice with my gun, and I wanted to shoot at a little further distance, and in double-action mode so I can improve at that. I don’t think it went all that well really. Pete said that new guns have a “break in” period after which accuracy improves. I hope that’s the case here, as I was a little disappointed in my performance. I didn’t shoot my eye out but here’s my 7-yards target (also includes some shot in double-action mode, which I don’t do as well in anyway)

I actually felt that my 15 yards target turned out slightly better – It was certainly not worse. Like I said, I would have liked to shoot a lot more – but being there for the < 1 hour I was cost me $50 – so I couldn’t really afford to hang out shooting all night.

Anyway, so that was that. I thought the guys at the range were decently polite when I came in. They had a 15 minute wait or so b/c some of the lanes were down, and they were polite in that they treated me exactly like they treated all the dudes who were standing there (didn’t overly question my knowledge or ability or anything) But when I came out the guy who was working that counter was sitting with his feet up shooting the shit with some 20-something kid. That’s fine, shoot the shit as long as there’s no customer there waiting. But hey – *I* was there waiting. It was obvious that I was done, and I needed the little slip thing to take to the register to check out. But no – he kept jawing with the kid, feet up. His scintillating insights were: (Please add for yourself the tone of a guy who makes customers stand around while they shoot the shit with their feet on the counter. And wear baseball caps indoors for no reason.)

“Well there’s no good in having a gun if you don’t have it with you and know how to use it. The CCW is only the first step. It’s MY class that’s really going to teach you what to know to defend yourself. Now, it’s not for everyone, it’s intense…”

<<cue kid looking very wide-eyed and impressed>>

<<cue me still standing there, waiting for my fucking checkout slip>>

“…and you have to be prepared for it. My class is a combo of marine boot camp and police academy training…”

So at this point I stopped standing there smiling politely and just fucking interrupted him with a flat “I’m done. Do I need anything from you?” It was fun to watch him jump. Apparently no one questions his rude blow-hardness very often. So he got me my stupid slip and wished me a nice night. Fuck him. Rude.

That was all. Wish I could have shot more, but there’s always a next time. Now I get to practice cleaning my gun on my own. Stinky!

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