Electricity is Dangerous

From and old German book which is apparently warning of the dangers of letting your baby suck on an electric vibrator unattended.

You Get Grants for That Shit?

Weirdest line from this whole article:

Last year scientists dispelled the old myth that horizontal lines make women appear fatter. And Kelly’s outfit, featuring black and white stripes, seemed to hold true with the new theory.

via Kelly Osbourne gets it right in flattering stripes at a celebration of hot Hollywood style | Mail Online.

Seriously? Scientists dispelled a myth about horizontal lines and women’s fatness? I don’t know if I believe that, or if I want to.

Sorry, this is just kinda frikkin awesome.

Tue Mar 31, 5:10 pm ET

NEWARK, Ohio Authorities in Ohio say a man has been charged with drunken driving after crashing his motorized bar stool. Police in Newark, 30 miles east of Columbus, say when they responded to a report of a crash with injuries on March 4, they found a man who had wrecked a bar stool powered by a deconstructed lawn mower.

Twenty-eight-year Kile Wygle was hospitalized for minor injuries. Police say he was charged with operating a vehicle while intoxicated after he told an officer at the hospital that he had consumed 15 beers. Wygle told police his motorized bar stool can go up to 38 mph.

Wygle has pleaded not guilty and has requested a jury trial.

via Ohio man charged with drunken driving on bar stool.

Adventures in Dipshittery – VFW Invasion Edition

After a certain point in a night out I have to switch from drinking pint glasses of straight tequila on ice (known at this bar as a margarita, but not recognized as such anywhere else in the world.) and start drinking water so that I am in some kind of shape to drive home.  This is a good thing for me and the other people on the road, but when I am drunk and talking a lot and it’s smoky my throat gets dry and I tend to guzzle water like it’s going out of style. Consequently, by midnight or so my bladder is usually pleading for mercy, and I start making trips to the bathroom every ten minutes.

This weekend I was sitting at a table with guaca_molly, and had to excuse myself for a minute. I hate doing that, because I really hate it when people leave me sitting alone. Being left to sit alone at the bar is the suck, because at best you just look kinda friendless, and at worst you look like you need/want someone to hit on you, and some hapless drunken fuckwit usually obliges. Either way, ick. And this table we were at is in the drunken fuckwit hot zone. Seriously every time I sit there I am approached by a freak. But guaca_molly is pretty hardass, and I had to pee really badly, so I ran off for a minute to take care of business.

When I got back she looked a little shell-shocked, and said that I had to sit down and listen to her story, but not act like she was telling a story in case the person she was telling the story about was looking. I sat down, but before she could really tell me what was up this little motherfucker comes up to our table, all sporting a grossed-out goatee and looking like some kind of white trash explosion of unwashed hair and deep-fryer grease. Now, like I said I was pretty drunk, so here’s what I remember happening, although it may be conflated with the story guaca_molly told me later: Continue reading »

The Provenance of Double-Intennuendo

For years now I have used the phrase “double-intennuendo” and tried in vain to explain to people why I did so, and why it was so damn hilarious. Now, since the Daily Show has decided to post all its old clips online, I can finally share the magic with you. I give you: Ed Heeney, straight, homonauseated man. It’s about 4 minutes and totally, completely worth watching.

(and yes I realize that he doesn’t exactly say “double-intennuendo” but that that’s how it stuck in my head, and that’s what I am saying.)

Protected: Things that are confusing

Women Don’t Need College!

College isn’t Necessary

Read along as Lynzee Stauss (whose mother apparently wasn’t much of a speller either) elucidates why college just isn’t necessary for women. Hint: it has a lot to do with getting your nails done.

Click the pic to see full size (editing on photo was as I found it at link above, not mine.)

I should know better than to expect sense-making

So I am compulsively listening to a few tracks from the new bSpears album. It’s mildly embarrassing, because I want to feel like I am cooler than that, but I really loved Blackout for some reason, and a few of the tracks from Circus are really good. I soothe myself by remembering that they pay batrillions of dollars for the best songwriters/producers in the universe to come up with this music, and it’s not my fault if I like it. I have no choice. It’s been engineered to stick in my head. But still, even with the very best songwriters that money can buy, the title track Circus contains this puzzling line:

“I’m like a performer, the dance floor is my stage.”

Now… the thing is, she’s not LIKE a performer, she IS a performer. So what the heck? I mean, listening to the song it would have still fit to say “I’m a performer, the dance floor is my stage.”" just drawing the first few syllables out.

And I seriously don’t know why I expect logic, or care. But people were paid hot piles of cash to write that nonsensical lyric. So that’s weird.

Dear Parents: Hiring Babysitter via Craigslist, not OK.

Minn. baby sitter admits using child in porn film – Yahoo News

MINNEAPOLIS – A Minnesota man has pleaded guilty to answering an online advertisement for baby-sitting work and then using the client’s child to make a pornographic video.

In a plea deal with federal prosecutors, Aaron Jay Lemon admitted Wednesday to producing the video. The 23-year-old from Little Canada also admitted to coercing a minor to engage in sexually explicit conduct.

The plea agreement says Lemon filmed the child in St. Paul after seeking the baby-sitting job through Craigslist. St. Paul police say the victim was a 2-year-old girl.

The U.S. attorney’s office says the case was part of a project that encourages agencies to investigate the sexual exploitation of children over the Internet.

The office says Lemon faces a maximum of 30 years in prison.

Seriously are you for serious? Is there something ELSE you expect to happen to your kid when you hire the babysitter from teh internets?

Because all the murders have been solved already

I was leaving work today, and as I pulled out of the parking lot I realized that there was a cop not too far behind me. And there are four four-way stop signs between me and the next main street, and no one’s ever at any of those intersections. I determine that I will stop completely at every single one and go 25 MPH on the street, as I am supposed to. So I do. Full stops. Excruciating slowness. Last stop sign I look behind me and the fucking cop has his fucking lights on. What the fuck? So I pull over. He pulls up beside me and says (with an attitude like I am some kind of moronic fuckwit)

“Where did you learn to stop at stop signs?”

I look at him like “Wha?” And then he says to me, for real, that I have been stopping PAST the stop signs, by a FOOT. AT LEAST. I am not stopping level with the stop sign, but the front one-foot of my car is past the stop sign. I don’t know about you, but I stop with the front of my car positioned somewhere between the curb and the stop sign. I don’t know anyone who stops with the front edge of their car directly level with the stop sign. I just gape at him. His attitude is very rude and assholish, he’s gesticulating wildly and talking about how I am “halfway into the intersection” before I stop. And he does this mock ‘looking around cluelessly’ motion, like that’s me in the middle the intersection, looking around and not knowing where I am. Or something. And he’s saying I am stopping “in the middle of the intersection” right after he’s just said I overshot the signs by a foot. Which would make for a smallish intersection. He’s talking to me like I am the most retarded person, doing the most insane thing, that he’s ever seen.

So he’s all berating me, and saying how he’s supposed to write me a ticket (In the meantime, he’s never even left his car. He pulled up next to me and is blocking traffic himself in order to bawl me out through his open passenger window.) Then, weirdly and suddenly his attitude changes. The more I gape at him the more conciliatory he gets. “It’s alright.” he says “I got you covered, I am not going to write you a ticket. But you have to watch out, there’s lots of us out here, and we’re hiding all over the place. We’ll give you a ticket for that.” And I am thinking “Mother-effer, I KNEW you were behind me. That was my cop’s-behind-me stop. WTF?” So I said “Sorry, I had no idea.” And then he tells me to drive carefully and takes off. I am just sitting there like “WTF just happened here?”

I don’t know what his story was, or why he was so rude, then so faux-nice all of a sudden. It was so ODD. I mean, maybe he thought I was a student and could be easily intimidated by him, then saw I was a grown woman. Maybe he thought that in that neighborhood I would be someone who was up to more than over-shooting stop signs and he could drug-bust me. Maybe he was just pissed that there was someone in front of him doing the speed limit and coming to full stops at stop signs like cops NEVER do. It was bizarre. So I drove home. And there are a LOT of four-way stops between work and home, and I watched very carefully to see what other people were doing. Guess what? Everyone stops with their front bumper beyond the stop sign. They stop with their body right behind the stop sign (bumper somewhere between stop sign and curb.) Everyone. And the cop acted like I was the only person who ever did that, and I was like Speed Fucking Racer behind the wheel.

I don’t know. I hate to make generalizations, but cops can really suck. Power-mad weirdos who act all erractic and have the power to arrest you. It’s unsettling.  I’ve been driving for 20 years, I’ve always driven the same way, plenty of cops have seen me stop at a stop sign, FFS, then this one freaks out on me. It makes me feel paranoid and it makes me think cops suck ass, all cops. And I know they don’t, but they need to really stop with the random petty and subjective shit and get to busting all these people who are shooting people.

McCain Advisor says that there are no uninsured people in America

This has got to be one of the most jackassy things that I ever read. This dipshit who advises McCain on health care policy, claims that there are no uninsured, because people can go to the emergency room.

Texas still leads nation in rate of uninsured residents
But the numbers are misleading, said John Goodman, president of the National Center for Policy Analysis, a right-leaning Dallas-based think tank. Mr. Goodman, who helped craft Sen. John McCain’s health care policy, said anyone with access to an emergency room effectively has insurance, albeit the government acts as the payer of last resort. (Hospital emergency rooms by law cannot turn away a patient in need of immediate care.)

“So I have a solution. And it will cost not one thin dime,” Mr. Goodman said. “The next president of the United States should sign an executive order requiring the Census Bureau to cease and desist from describing any American – even illegal aliens – as uninsured. Instead, the bureau should categorize people according to the likely source of payment should they need care.

“So, there you have it. Voila! Problem solved.”

HELLO FROM EARTH! Lack of access to care and lack of insurance – not the same thing. Yes, if you’ve been shot someone must take care of you. But that’s not the same as being insured. Going to the ER with “holy fuck my appendix just burst” is NOTHING LIKE going to the doctor’s office because you’re having stomach pains. See the difference? It’s called preventive care, and routine health screening. It’s the difference between routine treatment and possibly dying because no doctor would see your uninsured ass until something went desperately, unfixably wrong.

He also makes the  assumption that all uninsured persons are deadbeats who will skip out on their health care bills. Not true. Ever heard of the honest working poor? Sure, if you’re too broke to pay, despite your best intentions, you can stiff the hospital and the gov’t (and the rest of us who DO pay premiums) will have to foot your bill, but it will also ruin your credit.

If you are low-income enough to not have insurance and you do your best to pay after going to the ER, you will probably go bankrupt, since any uninsured ER visit is sure to cost upwards of $5,000.I think my 3-hour visit for my broken foot (for which I wasn’t even admitted) cost upwards of $8,000.

God, what a total fucktard. I mean a TOTAL fucktwatted assfaced baboon. What a clueless dipshit motherfuck. Idiot.

McCain listens to this guy? He had a hand in crafting McCain’s health care policy? WHAT THE FUCK?

I think “right-leaning” is a misnomer for this guy and his group. I think “leaning so far right that they’ve fallen and can’t get up” might describe them better. I would like to put him on the “ER Only” insurance plan for a year, and see what he thinks of it then.

Sheezus.

Straw FAIL or Pervy Designer WIN?

see more pwn and owned pictures

I don’t know citizens, this looks on-purpose to me.

Few Sugar though!

Things That Only Happen to Me

So last night I was planning on taking it easy, chilling at home and minding my business. I really did not treat myself well last week, got next to no sleep and was exhausted. Plus, my retard boss was out on Thu-Fri but someone let him have access to a computer at some point and he emailed me some bullshit late Friday afternoon that almost made the top of my head pop off in sheer anger. I have been trying to enhance my calm with all things involving that fuckwit, but for some reason I couldn’t do that on Friday afternoon, I think because I was really exhausted and cranky. So I came home, took a two-hour nap and prepared to just watch some TV and hang out with the doggies. Then I let said doggies outside. They let loose with such a caterwauling that I had to go see what the problem was. Normally this just entails opening the door and calling them back in, or telling them to shut it already, but they were going NUTS, and then I heard another big-sounding dog bark so I had to get my shoes on and go out there.

So I am just woken up, cranky, tired, headachey, sweaty and just generally aggravated. I get out to the fence and shut the dogs up, and my neighbor pops his head over the top of it. I say “hey” to him, apologize for the dogs being obnoxious and then find out it was his big, sweet dog who was barking at them. So I ask how he’s doing, trying to be neighborly, and he tells me that his wife has driven to Kansas to see relatives in some old car he bought for $20. I nod – they’ve always got a story like that, he buys all his cars for $20, or trades a pile of bricks for one, or finds one at a junkyard he just has to have and then he tinkers with them until they run somewhat. They’re that kind of people. So I am expecting some story about how the car broke down on her. No such luck.

He tells me that his wife is doing all this stuff, she’s out of town for the next few days. This is when my alarm bells start ringing, due to my past interactions with this guy. He then looks around furtively, licks his lips and says “Hey, you want to sleep with me this weekend? [My wife] allows me dalliances.” And when he says “dalliances” he makes a scrabbling little gesture with his right hand, halfway between drumming one’s fingers on a table top and rotating some of those Chinese exercise balls. Perhaps this was meant to illustrate the nature of the dalliance I could expect were I to take him up on his proposition.

I gape for a moment and then let out with a peal of laughter, because I know he’s serious but I don’t want to act like I am taking this seriously. I want him to take the hint and laugh it off like it’s a joke. So I just laugh a little and say something about him having all that free time and no one to do, ha ha, so funny. And he says more insistently “No, I am serious, do you want to?”

So I have to answer, and I say very seriously and slowly while shaking my head back and forth: “No, I am all booked up this weekend.” He nods sagely. “I thought you might be.”

Now I kinda wish I’d gone for the 8ft fence instead of the 6…

Now, if it had ended there it would have been bizarre and creepy and gross enough. But you know me, it didn’t end there, it had to get insulting on top of that. You’d think that Mr. Smooth would quit while he was totally behind, and I really don’t know if this next part was attributable to his utter cluelessness or some kind of passive aggressive jab at me for daring to refuse him.

“Well, I thought you might be.” he said “And I think I am going to see if I can find a skinny girl to fuck anyway. It’s been a while since I have been with a skinny girl, and you’re really just more of the same of what I’ve got at home.”

:-|

OK then. So I point out to him that there are some really skinny crackwhores in the apt behind us, but he’d have to pay for that. And then his friend who was in the garage tinkering around on the car called him and he said he had to go. So that’s me then, hoping for a peaceful Friday night, but ending up hot, tired, cranky, now bitten by bugs, rudely propositioned, insulted and disturbed. Just a typical day in the life.

So I went in and considered this for a moment. Not considered the proposition, but considered how fucking irritating it was and why. That guy has been making comments to me for more than a year that led me to believe he thought he might get a piece, despite my NEVER, EVER being in the least flirty and pretty much only ever talking to the guy when I am in some yoga pants and a t-shirt covered in sweat, OFF! and garden dirt.

I wasn’t totally startled for him to say something like that, just more startled by the bluntness of it. And irritated by him thinking that I would just be up for fucking whoever made an offer, and irritated by his assholishness in basically calling me an unfuckable fat chick (that he nevertheless wanted to fuck) and irritated by the fact that despite how irritated I was, I had to smile pretty and pretend it was all HILARIOUS and good fun. As my next-door neighbor there are a million ways in which he could make my life miserable if he wanted to, so maintaining the peace is important. But I wanted to hit him in the face with a rake.

There are too many situations like that in my life right now, where I have to pretend that things are fine when they’re not, that people aren’t being assholes when they are. Too many ways in which I have to keep the peace, be the bigger person, act like a rational adult when I want to punch people.

That’s one of the reasons that the Urf! cartoon about the offline box forums delighted me so much, because I think that the chance to holler whatever I am thinking to people who are in the same room pissing me off would be totally intoxicating. I feel as if I am surrounded by a thousand anti-social retards at all times, and I am the only one who considers what they say before they say it. And if I don’t have a chance to say true things to someone, sometime, then I am going to absolutely implode.

Update 08/03/08: 7:30 a.m. Get up and let dogs out. In my bathrobe, as one is at 7:30. Neighbor calls at 7:34 a.m. & leaves message that he has a package for me. Swear. What makes this worse than anything? The only package I am expecting is from Toys in Babeland.

Another vote against public transportation

Maybe I am not helping the environment any, but rarely does someone with a Rambo knife pop up behind my seat and decapitate me.

Man decapitates passenger aboard Greyhound bus in Manitoba: witness
“When we came back on the bus, it was visible at the end of the bus he was cutting the guy’s head off and pretty much gutting him up,” said Caton.

The attacker ran at them, Caton said, and they ran out of the bus, holding the door shut as he tried to slash at the trio.

When the attacker tried to drive the bus away, the driver disabled the vehicle, Caton said.

“While we were watching the door, he calmly walks up to the front with the head in his hand and the knife and just calmly stares at us and drops the head right in front of us,” said Caton

Only way to stay safe is to minimize/cut out most contact with strangers and crowds and enclosed spaces. Seriously. Not that people you know are necessarily safer, but at least you may have some idea when they’re going to blow and know where they keep their weapons.

The fuck.

The Raw Story | Missouri Police taser injured boy 19 times

I am beginning to believe that we should offer police officers the opportunity to tase the dead carcasses of livestock, just so they can get “wanting to tase things” out of their system. What other reason could they have for tasering an injured teen NINETEEN TIMES other than wanting to try out new technology?

Better idea – maybe they can be offered the opportunity to get into a Laser-Tag style arena and just tase the fuck out of each other. I am sick of these abuse-of-taser stories. Aren’t tasers supposed to be non-lethal force substituted for guns? They surely wouldn’t have considered shooting this boy, and he wasn’t likely to be going anywhere with a broken back and heel, so why in the world would tasers have even come into play? I hope they are all severely disciplined, and then fired. And then prosecuted. Assholes.

The Raw Story | Missouri Police taser injured boy 19 times
KY 3 News’ Sara Sheffield reports on an injured teen from Ozark, Missouri who was tasered up to 19 times by police.

Passing motorists called Ozark police out of concern for the teen as he walked along the busy overpass. When the police arrived, the young man was lying on the shoulder of the highway directly underneath the 30 foot high overpass with a broken back and foot.