A few months ago they sent me a letter, saying that all the old recurring bill payments were being discontinued, due to “maintenance.” Which, that’s a pretty shitty maintenance if you ask me. The kind of maintenance you do that means money stops coming at you automatically is stupid fucking “maintenance.”

I noticed lately in my MS Money register that I had a bill coming up from MSD. So I assumed they’d, you know, BILL me, since they’d discontinued the way that I used to send them money. But no. They did not. So now I start to worry that they’re going to try to not bill me, then charge me a late fee. That sounds about their speed, given the level of ineptitude they’ve evinced so far. So I go online and try to log into my old account. No dice – discontinued. I try to set up a new account as they’ve asked me to do. I come up with a new user id (TEN characters? That’s really long. Isn’t the standard six? Perversely, the password only has to be four characters. Don’t ask me, it makes no sense.) and give them my email address. But no, want to set up new online profile, but can’t do it. To set up a new online account, you need your account number. I have no idea what that might be, as I do not have any old bills (do I even GET mailed bills which would have my account number on them? I don’t remember getting them. I would hope I don’t get mailed bills even though I pay online, but who knows.) and naturally they have helpfully NOT INCLUDED MY ACCOUNT NUMBER IN THE LETTER THEY SENT TO MY HOUSE.

They HAVE included a customer service number, which I call. It has an option for online bill pay setup. It tells me to go online and set that shit up. Helpful! Thanks! The other option is to request a form be mailed to me for online signup. Since I am not my own grandma, I skipped having them mail me the online signup form. Those being the only two options, I tried to back out of that part of their phone system. Helpfully, at this point they disconnected me. Not to be daunted by this, I called them again. This time I pressed the options that would lead me to a customer service worker with whom, it was promised, I could discuss my bill. I thought that I could at least pay by phone this time, and then get the online bill pay set up. Or maybe she could give me my account number. Nope! Their call center is only open from 9-5 on Monday thru Friday! That is SO HELPFUL OH MY HOLY JESUS.

So I give up for today, thinking I will call them on Monday and get this sorted, and that they are assholes. Then five minutes later I get an email from MSD congratulating me on setting up my new online account! :-/

What the fuck MSD, you totally fail at taking my money.

Gunmen on bicycles shoot two, kill one in St. Louis

ST. LOUIS – A St. Louis man was fatally shot early Sunday morning by gunmen on bicycles, police said.

Juan Almanza, 37, of the 4000 block of Dryden Avenue, was shot multiple times about 1:30 a.m. after an argument with two men, police said.

Almanza and another man, 35, were sitting on a porch in the 3100 block of Utah Avenue when two men rode by on bicycles, stopped and began arguing, police said.

One of the bicyclists then pulled out a gun and shot the two men, police said. Almanza collapsed and died at the scene. The second victim was shot in his leg and ran off.

Police had made no arrests Sunday.

ST. LOUIS: Man is fatally shot
ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
06/21/2010

Darvin Love, 31, of the 5700 block of Lillian Avenue, was shot to death early Sunday.

Police said Love was sitting in a vehicle when someone approached and shot him in the chest.

Police said there were no witnesses or suspects.

If there were no witnesses, how do they know someone approached and shot him in the chest? Someone could have shot him from afar, perhaps. Someone could have strolled by and shot him in the chest.

Second most hazardous place to sit (after your front porch) is in your car. Don’t just be sitting in your car for no reason, you are likely to get shot. Move along, people.

So last Friday night I went out to the bar and then to another place to see a friend’s band play, and that was all really fun until my other friend got maced by a third friend. And that’s another story entirely, and I don’t even know if I can do it justice, so I really won’t try. So anyway, I am sure I had license plates when I left that place, and here’s how I know: last year when I had to get new plates my dad sheared off one of the bolts on the back plate holder thing when he was trying to change them, and then w/o asking he strung the license up on one side with wire, so it hung down at a jaunty angle. And every single time I’ve approached my car since then I’ve though “Jesus Christ, I am a hoosier.” and then I’ve gotten in my car and driven away contentedly, because I hope my car looks extremely hoosier, to keep these ghetto motherfuckers from wanting to mess with it. So I remember seeing my dangling plate late Friday night/early Saturday morning when I got in the car to drive my friends back to their cars.

Saturday afternoon I went out to run some errands, and I didn’t notice anything amiss, as it is not my habit to check and make sure all parts of my car are still attached each time I get in it. Except for the wheels, I do check for those now.

When I came out of the grocery store I noticed that my back plate was gone. Hoping they’d at least left me the front one, I walked around to check. No such luck, they apparently wanted the matching pair. So I called the cops from the parking lot (what did we do before cell phones – really?) and made a report. They gave me a report number to use if I got pulled over, and I then I proceeded about my weekend business. I mean, what are you going to do? The license place was closed so all that was left for me was to gleefully run a bunch of red light cameras with my middle finger sticking out the window.

So Monday I call the license place, tell them I have had my license plates stolen and that I need new ones – what do I need to bring with me? “The police report.” They say. “I have the report number,” sez I, “Is that good enough?” “No, not at all, we need the actual report.” is their reply. So fine. I call the city and ask them how do I get this police report? I mean, they must have a simple, efficient system in place to deal with this, as I’d imagine it’s a pretty frequent occurrence here – right? Oh but no. To get the report I have to go downtown. Now, driving downtown in St. Louis during the daytime, or anytime, is a bunch of bullshit. There’s never going to be anywhere to park, you’re gonna get lost walking around, the people are sure to be assholes, the place is going to smell bad, there are going to be weird homeless guys commenting about your hair, it’s all going to suck. I don’t want to go downtown. So I ask, can’t they mail me the report? Well sure they can – once I send them a money order for $6.00. And no, she adds before I can ask, they will not fax or email the report. Of course not. I mean, as a victim of crime things should not be easy or convenient for me.

I should be dumbfounded by this stupidity, but I am not. Everything in this city  is arranged to create the most awkward situation possible for everyone except city workers. You have no idea how I loathe them. So now I am looking at driving downtown and paying $6 plus parking fees and whatever else they dream up to charge me, or driving around the corner from work and paying $23. Hrm… I had to stew on that for a few days while I curse the brain dead cock-smoking fucktard who stole my motherfucking plates in the first place. Get a job, you piece of shit. Plus it’s  been cold as tits here recently, and I have not been in the mood to be out and about. So I just let it go a few days, thinking maybe the plates would grow back or the plate fairy would pay me a visit or something. But no such luck. So yesterday at lunch I finally knuckled down and headed to the license office to get my new plates, determined to just pay the $23 and be done with it. As I sat in the license office waiting I became even more glad that I didn’t bother with the report, as I see that even with the report you have to bring a notarized something or other, pay a special fee, pay another special re-licensing fee (per plate!) and then another fee for using a debit or credit card. Nice. I am sure that would have added up to $22.50 or something, so no point in bothering with the paperwork for my “free” replacement plates.

BUT BUT BUT… when it’s finally my turn, the disaffected lady behind the counter tells me that I can’t even get the license because instead of my and my dad’s names being on the title, like I thought, it was my dad’s name on the title with a transfer on death order to my name. What the heck? I knew they had done that for his car, put me on the title with a transfer when he died, but I could have sworn that we were joint title-holders for my car. Wish I would have known all this when I was paying for that car. But whatever. Of course it’s not going to work, they won’t let me get the new plates without my dad there, and now I have to call my parents like a motherfucking moron. “Hey Mom and Dad, I know I am a grown woman, but I seemingly cannot manage my world, can you do it for me?” Which they, of course, immediately did. They had the whole thing done and dusted in two hours, and the plates are now waiting for me at their house. I will go get them this weekend and have the guys at work put them on in some non-stealable way next week, so it looks like it’s another non-drinking weekend for me. I like to push my luck pretty far, but driving around with any alcohol at all in my system when I am (or at least should be) more likely to get pulled over than normal is just more than I want to mess with. Ah well, it’s probably a nice break for my liver anyway.

Thus endeth the saga of the stolen license plates, unless there are further adventures in regards to them this weekend. I sincerely hope that there are not.

Downtown parking meters cost more today in St. Louis – STLtoday.com.

The cost to park at meters in the city of St. Louis goes up today, including a 33 percent jump downtown…

But no one knows why…

The exact reason for the parking increases has not been publicly stated. Parking meters are controlled by the office of City Treasurer Larry Williams, and he is not commenting.

Or how much money it will generate for the city…

How much revenue the increase in parking fees will create remains unknown. Green would not provide an estimate.

In fact, there’s a lot this guy doesnt seem to know..

He also would not say when the last increases occurred or how many parking meters there are in the city.

But I bet I know why we suddenly needed an increase, and where the money from the increase went…

Green did say his office hired a consultant, Performance Management Group, to review department operations.

I find all this ridiculous. Not because I don’t have $1 to pay the parking meter, but because I know from dealing with them in any capacity just how ineffective the St. Louis city government is. It’s full of people in jobs they’re not qualified for doing whatever they want with no oversight and a bad attitude, and only later do we ever learn the full extent of what “shocking” things were going on behind the scenes.

So whatever this scandal turns out to be: someone with their hand in the till to pay for gambling debts or coke addictions or mistresses or underage boys or giant shopping sprees or whatever the heck, I am willing to bet that this whole Office of Unanswered Questions the Treasurer will never stand up to any intense scrutiny/investigation.

Can’t wait to see what happens.

A few months ago, some of the local St. Louisans I’ve met via Twitter told me about a project of theirs, known as The Grand Conspiracy*. Since they’re almost all artists and writers—and many are both—they wanted a collective place/way to share their work.

The Conspiracy was apparently originally conceived as a one-sheet of short fiction and artwork to be distributed in local bars and shops.  Since then the project has morphed into an electronic one, centered around a collectively updated blog, with a print version to eventually be taken from the best of its posts. The other Conspirators kindly invited me to play along, and I was really happy to accept. It’s much easier to write when you have an intended outlet in mind, and it’s easier to keep to a deadline if you know someone else is depending on you to do so.

Of course, people and their schedules being what they are, the blog has taken quite some time to get off the ground, but I am excited to announce that we’ve got our collective asses in gear, and will begin (hopefully daily) posting at The Grand Conspiracy today!

As luck would have it, Thursdays are my posting day, so there’s a new piece of mine “Make Your Selection” up now. I’d love for you to have a look and let me know what you think of the blog overall, and of course any critiques of my work are always welcome.

(I mean, I am not saying I won’t punch you in the face for daring to dislike my writing, but I certainly welcome the opportunity to punch you in the face.)

Anyway, have a look, add it to your feed reader, check it every day. If I know these people at all, there will be some stellar work there for your edification and delight.

*For those of you who are not St. Louis natives, this name refers to the the street, South Grand, where all our favorite bars are located. Not that this is a group which centers itself on drinking at all. *ahem*

I have evidence in the form of a typically shitty cell phone pic that I snapped of the proprietress being hassled by the man. Since this event has been going on for what, four or five months now? you’d think these trifling little paperwork technicalities would have been straightened out, but apparently not so much.

You can't pin nothin' on me, coppa!

Anyway, it’s a shame. Not just because I wasted so much cleavage and lipstick, but also because it looked to be shaping up as one of their more successful events so far. They’d moved some of the vendors upstairs, opened the front entrance to the club and they really had a good crowd there. People seemed to be having fun upstairs, and it was the first time I’ve seen the dance floor up there really packed. In the fetish/play room I still think they need some kind of ringleader. You walk in and there’s just a room of gear and some random people tying each other up or looking like they’re getting ready do something. But with no explanation you don’t know who these people are, what they’re doing, or why. You don’t know if there’s going to be some kind of show, if audience participation is encouraged, or what. It’s not a skeevy vibe, it’s more of a confused/unorganized vibe. Just random chicks being tied up by random guys with no rhyme or reason for it. That does need some work. Also, they really need to enforce the “NO PHOTOS” signs they have in that room. The girl taking pictures of the “NO PHOTOS” sign being a case in point.

But on the plus side the bartenders seemed to have everything under control, with no huge lines or people ordering 27 drinks at a time, and that was a huge improvement over last time. Even at $15 instead of the previous $10 (for a girl who’s mostly going to be drinking water) this is not a bad bargain. This has the potential to be a really neat and successful event, it just seems as if they need a professional event planner to advise them*. I’ve heard rumors that there might be a change in venue – and I for one would love something closer to home with actual parking that doesn’t leave my car dropping gravel out of the undercarriage for the next two weeks.

Better luck next month, Conspiracy!

EDIT: Heard a rumor from a reliable source today that there was, in fact, no problem with the licensure of the venue, only something that was not posted that should have been. Apparently the building’s owners showed up with the correct documents after we were all gone. Interesting. There’re also rumors aswirl about who might have called in a tip about this issue and/or caused the booze cops to check into the place.

Apparently St. Louis’ Tired Old Goths aren’t too tired for a little intrigue.

*another case in point, their main website is not developed yet, so their URL currently resolves to their mySpace page. That’s fine, except the profile is set to “private.” Doh! For someone like me who wants more information or to see pictures of what the event looks like, but doesn’t use mySpace, this is nonsensical. You can’t encourage people to attend your event by preventing them getting information about it.

My friends Dave and Amy are finalists in Apartment Therapy’s “Small Cool Contest 2009″.

They could win $10,000 just for having a really cool house! Please go vote for them – there’s a simple registration in order to be able to vote, but it’s painless, I swear! And check out the pictures of their house, which incorporates a giant log. Log = automatic WIN.

J.B.Forbes P-D

BY Denise Hollinshed

ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH

04/09/2009

ST. LOUIS  Julius and Hazel Watkins are expecting to be in their own place this weekend.

While it isn’t exactly their place, it beats moving among relatives’ homes. That’s what they have been doing in the month since fire heavily damaged their home.

The new quarters, in Hillsdale, have been offered free by Garry Session of Florissant, who read of the Watkinses’ plight last week in the Post-Dispatch. A construction firm has offered to repair their damaged home for free, and a fund set up to help the Watkinses now contains $2,000.

“It’s wonderful,” Julius Watkins, 84, said Wednesday. “I just think it is wonderful, and like I said, ‘God is good.’”

via 04/09/2009 – St. Louis couple has a place to call their own, at least for now – STLtoday.com.

Whatever. By your logic “God” burned your house down, too. So now he’s given you somewhere to stay and $2,000? What a guy.

No. Random chance burned your house down. Poverty or carelessness or both meant you had no insurance. PEOPLE are helping you. PEOPLE gave you a place to live. PEOPLE are repairing your home, and donating money to your little fund. Imaginary omniscient beings had nothing to do with it.

And even if there was a “god” who had something to do with burning down an 84 year-old woman’s house – he’d kind of be a cocksucker, wouldn’t he?

Burroughs Prom Invite Pushes Envelope.

So those wacky over-privileged kids at Burrough’s created this over-the-top invite to an after-prom party.

With a theme of either “Lust” or “Sin” (I really can’t tell – maybe the theme is just “debauchery” or “we have no sense”) it features “satanic” imagery (a pentagram) and invites all “sinners” to come enjoy the fun. There was a minor brouhaha over the invite, and I think any reasonable observer would say that it really was not appropriate for a high-school audience, no matter the school in question.(I do love the defenders who say it’s more OK for Burroughs’ kids to do this, since they’re so smart and special and elite and need to blow off steam, darnit.)

But what really caught my eye was this cover image, which I recognized immediately as belonging to Marta Dahlig. Marta is a prolific Polish digital artist who contributes digital painting training materials & tutorials to many of the art magazines I read. This image belongs to a series of “Seven Deadly Sins” that she completed a few years ago, and I actually own a print of her image Vanity.

Marta’s popularity has skyrocketed in the last few years, and so I doubt that these kids could have afforded to license her work for use on this invitation (of course, they’re Burroughs’ kids, so who knows?)

If they didn’t license the work then they’ve stolen it. Is art thievery all part of the “sinners” theme of their prom? Perhaps there could be a few lessons learned here  – one on using discretion in party-planning and in thinking things through before we go to print with them, and one on respect for copyright and other people’s artwork.

I’ve emailed a link to the PD story to Marta, and am interested to hear back from her whether the work is, in fact, licensed.