Brendan Perry - Utopia

I am so hungry for new Brendan Perry, I feel like I can’t wait for next year. This is the teaser for the new album, and I love it already. I can’t ever adequately explain how Brendan Perry’s music captures the cynical romanticism of my personality, but somehow it’s like my whole life is in what he sings. And not in some self-pitying emo way either, but in a “kick your own ass and see what you can do and by the way it’s probably going to suck but do it anyway.” way.

I love him. Here are the lyrics to Utopia.

I feel greater than the sum of all my parts
A domestic beast with a hairy heart
Trapped within a walled suburbia

I’ve found my taste is somewhat underground
Between the shadows and the cracks
I’m building my utopia

I need to break free from all that binds
That makes me old before my time
In this world of dystopia

My love is like a bright guiding light
Shining in the darkness of the night
The star of my utopia

In the motion of the sea
in the air that we breathe
Can you feel me?

In the stars and in the trees
In the song of the bees
Can you hear me?

Caged, golden memories
Time has come
to show your true feelings

I know it’s the only way to be
When the same old feelings
come over me

I feel greater of all the sum of all my parts
A space jockey from a distant star
marooned upon dystopia

I’ve found my taste is somewhat underground
Between the shadows and the cracks
I am building my utopia

In the motion of the sea
In the air that we breath
Can you feel me?

In the stars and in the trees
In the song of the bees
Can you hear me?

Imogen Heap, The Walk

Inside-out,
Upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now,
‘Cause you and I were never meant to meet.
I think you’d better leave.
It’s not safe in here.
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then, (alright then.)
I could keep your number for a rainy day.
That’s where this ends.
No mistakes, no misbehaving.
I was doing so well.
Could we just be friends?
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Inside-out,
upside-down,
Twisting beside myself.
Stop that now.
You’re as close as it gets
Without touching me.
Oh now don’t make it harder
Than it already is.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this.
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
So that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control.
Primary resistance at a critical low.
on the, on the double gotta get a hold.
Point of no return one second to go.

No response on any level,
Red-alert this vessel’s under seige.
Total overload all systems down they’ve got control.
There’s no way out.
We are surrounded.
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it.

Freeze, awake here forever.
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this,
Not what I planned at all.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Yeah.
No it’s not meant to be like this,
It’s just what I don’t need.
Why make me feel like this?
It’s definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault.

Citizen Cope: Sideways—listen free at last.fm

You know it ain’t easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There’s no words to describe it
In French or in English
Well, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I’m telling you
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
They’ve been knockin’ me out lately
Whenever you come around me
These feelings won’t go away
They’ve been knockin’ me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that
Time will take them away
But these feelings won’t go away

Imogen Heap – Useless – Listen free at Last.fm

I am a mirror, with no reflection
I am a razor, without my blade
I am the daylight, when the moon shines on
Who will want to make my sandcastle
That’s already made?

I feel so useless, do you?

Speak to an ear, deaf to my voice
Look through your fear, still blind to my way
I reach to hold you, but I don’t feel you there,
Do you even realise I’m here?
Am I just wasting away?
No wasting away
Living, inside you play

My dying prayer, sealed in a scream
Unwelcome, and a conscious dream
I am your whore, without a name
I climb to fall, to begin again, to begin again
I climb to fall, suffer, hatred, deceit and pain
Anger, regret, loving in vain

I am an arrow, with no direction
My life your tarot, my picture your fate
I’m your becoming, so I’ll always be nothing
If I ever break away from you
That day forth, you’ll be living my hate
Oh god help his fate
I’ll watch you, watch you suffocate

This song’s so stuck in my head. I don’t know why. To my conscious mind it’s not even that relevant to me. But it’s living in my brain, and is thus the song of the day.

Maximo Park ‘I Want you to Stay’

I rewrite my life beneath the moonlight,
Please hold me now till my breath runs out,
There are many things that I am not,
But there’s one thing that I cant deny

A double bluff you fed me lines,
The shortest cut you’re searching for,
A mesh of tones surround your eyes,
I wish I knew how it came to this

I always said you could rely on me,
Now it seems that I was wrong,
I want you to stay,
I want you to stay with me

Cos nothing works round here,
Where cranes collect the sky,
I long for the neon signs of night,
Cos nothing works round here,

You know the way I feel,
Can you remember what we had?

Why do you think I over take?
I speak to you and you say no,
A camera runs just to collect,
I wish I knew how it came to this

The lies we tell are bound on film,
And you start to push your lips to mine,
Outside my room you closed your eyes,
And in the end it came to this

I always said you could rely on me,
Now it seems that I was wrong,
I want you to stay,
I want you to stay with me

Cos nothing works round here,
Where cranes collect the sky,
I think of your face at night,
Cos nothing works round here

You know the way I feel
Can you remember what we had?
As time gets more compressed,
You’re always my reminder,
A lifetime disappears,
Can you remember what we had?
As time gets more compressed,
You’re always my reminder,
You’re always my reminder

You know the way I feel,
You know the way I feel

Let the medicine take over
Close the blinds with my hands
I stayed in bed most of October
I thought I was well but I guess I am

Sick to the bone of waking lonely
And trying to keep my head from going under
I keep going so sick to the bone and still
Stuck to my guns, drinking alone, sick to the bone

The very unmarried ladies of Avenue A
Say “Spread the wealth baby, spread the wealth”
Oh are you feeling a little unsteady today?
Sugar have I got something for you
It’s something strong, like medicine
Like the beard of the old man, like you know I am

Sick to the bone of waking lonely
And trying to keep my head from going under
I keep going, sick to the bone and still
Stuck to my guns, drinking alone, sick to the bone

Hey you better heal yourself
Hey you better lock your door
‘Cause it’s kill or cure

I thought I had the inoculation
It turns out not to be the case
And the sky is loaded like a question
Like the beard of the old man, like you know I am

Sick to the bone of waking lonely
And trying to keep my head from going under
well, I keep going
sick to the bone and still
Stuck to my guns, drinking alone

Oh and I been
Sick to the bone of waking lonely
Could you make me well?
Oh I doubt it.
’cause I keep going
sick to the bone and still
Stuck to my guns, drinking alone sick to the bone.
- Steve Tannen ‘Sick to the Bone’

This is how it goes
You’ll get angry at yourself
And think you can think of something else
And I’ll hear the clanging of the bells
Cause I can’t stop you baby

Cause I don’t have a bribery in place
No bright shining surface to my face
So I won’t go near the market place
With what I’m selling lately
Cause this is how it goes

Cause it’s all about drugs
It’s all about shame
And whatever they want
Don’t tell them your name

This is how it goes
One more failure to connect
With so many how could I object
And you, what on earth did you expect
Well I can’t tell you baby
When this is how it goes

Cause it’s all about drugs
It’s all about shame
And whatever they want
Don’t tell them your name

So I’ll try to hold on
While you try to let go
You won’t tell me it’s gone
But baby I’ll know
Baby I’ll know
Baby I’ll know
Baby I’ll know

- Aimee Mann ‘This is How it Goes‘

The Creatures - Killing Time (listen here)

I wait and wait… sleepwalk the hourglass
This way and that… the pendulum swings
Yes, there’s plenty of time… always time left to kill
Does time stand still or hurtle on by?
Let time unwind… let all the cogs fall out
Let man’s machines collapse and rust
Face down in the dust… I’ll kiss no other lips
A lifetime of nothing, condemned without you
Been so long here… I could die here
Lying by your side
But time won’t claim me, time and me only
I’m just killing time
If the sun went out, I wouldn’t mind too much
Who needs the days to trouble to fill?
If the moon didn’t rise, I wouldn’t be upset
Who needs moonshine to cause tears to spill?
I’ve been so long here… I could lie here
Under dying sky
This thirst and hunger holds no wonder
I’m just killing time
I await your return,
There’s no other one.

Flunk - Everything is Ending Here

Everything is ending here
After all I have no more to say
And everything is ending here
And after all I have no more to say

I am sick and tired of words

I’ve been using them for all these years
Every word I try to say
Seems to end in tears

I am sick and tired of words
I’ve been using them for all these years
Every word I try to say
Seems to end in tears
Seems to end in tears
Seems to end in tears

Everything is ending here
After all I have no more to say
Everything is ending here
After all I have no more to say

After all I have no more to say
To you

Deathly - listen here

Now that I’ve met you
Would you object to
Never seeing each other again?
Cause I can’t afford to
Climb aboard you
No one’s got that much ego to spend

So don’t work your stuff
Because I’ve got troubles enough
No, don’t pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
Deathly
Definitely

Cause I’m just a problem
For you to solve and
Watch dissolve in the heat of your charm
But what will you do when
You run it through and
You can’t get me back on the farm?

So don’t work your stuff
Because I’ve got troubles enough
No, dont pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
Deathly
Definitely

You’re on your honor
Cause I’m a goner
And you haven’t even begun
So do me a favor
If I should waver
Be my savior
And get out the gun

Just don’t work your stuff
Because I’ve got troubles enough
No, don’t pick on me
When one act of kindness could be
Deathly
Deathly
Definitely

Eva Cassidy - Say Goodbye

It’s funny how the distance can make you feel close
And the things you lost are the things you want most
The weather’s fine here a perfect shade of blue
I guess that’s why I’ve been thinking of you

So I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye
Ooh must be the mood I’m in
I’m thinking of you again
I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye

I know you’re different now and I guess I’ve changed too
And I thought what was once right was so wrong for you
Yesterday I was talking and I heard your name
The weather’s fine here with a slight chance of rain

So I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye
Ooh must be the mood I’m in
I’m thinking of you again
I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye

Time makes you sorry for the things that you’ve done
Sometimes you walk away and sometimes you run
And the weather’s fine here; I can feel a slight chill
Some things change babe and some never will

So I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye
Ooh must be the mood I’m in
I’m thinking of you again
I call you up just to tell you why
Why I left you and say goodbye

I call you up just to tell you why
To say I love you and to say goodbye

My work life is so surreal right now. Nothing that happens makes any sense. Nothing that I say is what needs to be said, nor does it bear any resemblance to what I am thinking.

The less I say what I think the more people think I am awesome for agreeing with them, and then I just go and do what needs to be done without reference for what I told them I was going to do.

Mostly they don’t remember what they were wanting from me anyway, because they didn’t understand what they were talking about when they were trying to tell me what they wanted.

It’s enough to drive me totally insane. The most insane-making part of it is how I am getting USED to it. I don’t want to be the person who successfully navigates these waters. I feel this huge schism opening between who I pretend to be all day and who I am, and I don’t want that. It was too much work (and cost too much in therapy bills) to integrate the real me and the me-you-see in the first place. I don’t think any job is worth subdividing my sense of self.

The only thing I can do is be myself REALLY HARD whenever I am not there, and it makes me feel vaguely manic, the need for that much self-expression between 4 and 10 p.m. every day. Especially because I am so exhausted all the time. I have someone bugging me to do some freelance work for them, and I was telling MyTodd™ that I didn’t have the energy to contact them and deal with it right now. He said “Yeah, you sound like you barely have the energy to tell me about it.” Which, I thought I was maintaining a BIT more perky of a facade, but apparently not.

Anyway.

Doing lots of Cure listening lately. Continuing on the retro kick. Is it a sign of lack of personal development that I feel like the same songs describe me now as I thought did in 1988? (Parse that sentence, I dare you.)

Maybe it’s more about the immutable nature of Susans, who may bend and sway and even grow, but adamantly refuse to be moved.

You’re begging me to stay
But I’m laughing in your face
You’re so desperate
Not to let those years of care
Go to waste
But it was you who wanted love
Not romance
You have to pay my price
Bodies may be made of fire
Souls are made of ice

I’m mean
And cold
I’m cold
I’m told
I’d love to love you girl
But my body
Has just been sold

The Cure - “I’m Cold”

Some things are amazing for the time you’re in. They speak to you in profound ways, and you learn from them. Later they don’t mean as much, they don’t apply anymore.

Other things are timeless in relation to your life. They’re half memories, half perfect expression of things you will always feel. Some books, some songs, some quotations, some poetry, it’s just always going to grab you and sound amazingly true, resonate deep in your soul.

I think that Pride & Prejudice will always be, for me, the perfect written description of what it feels like to be a smart girl in love.

Cocteau Twins’ “Blue Bell Knoll” will always be the sound of how lonely it is to love someone you can’t be with.

Jerry Uelsman’s artwork is always going to be what I think the inside of my imagination looks like.

I think that The Weepies are going to be that way for me too, with all their songs about what it’s like to be sensitive, smart and lonely. Afraid of the world passing you by, afraid to take part in it, afraid it’s not really your choice anyway.

Perhaps a bit less profound, but still resonant, is the song “Wild” by Poe (lyrics after the jump) I first fell in love with this album (Haunted) in 2000, and it’s never really been out of rotation since then. It’s so throbbingly angry, so wounded and defiant, I love it. Every so often I need it, too.

Listen here.

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On the way home from errand-running at Target today, I was thinking. Well, of course I was. When have you known me NOT to be thinking? Deep Thoughts, preferably.

Anyway, I was thinking about music. Well, love songs.

Wait - digression:

Actually this morning on the way to work I was also thinking about music, and what I was thinking is that maybe there’s some chemical in our brain when we’re teens that makes the music we listen to imprint there, so we love it forever.

For instance, next year (ulp.) will be the TWENTIETH anniversary of my graduation from high school. That’s right, class of 1989. And I remember that in 1988, the fall of  my senior year, the Sugarcube’s “Life’s too Good” hit the alternative music airwaves. And I remember that we were absolutely captivated by the sound of songs like “Birthday”. And that my friend Jen had a “cube” of Sugarcubes flats that Lance @ Sound Revolution had made (get it? A cube?) and it was hanging from her ceiling. We all thought that was the coolest, but pretended we didn’t. Anyway. Now Lance (with confirmed sugar in his pants) hosts the weirdest kids show ever, and I have no idea what happened to Jen, who turned out to be pretty much a bitch anyway. OK, wait, what was my point? Oh. Music. So on the way to work this morning, “Birthday” came on my iPod. I don’t know if it’s the aforementioned teen-musical-brain-imprint thing, or the fact that there’s never been anything before or since quite like the Sugarcubes, but that music sounds as fresh and innovative today as it did then.

OK, end of digression. (Does that make this a regression?)

So on the way home from Target I was listening to music and thinking about love songs. And how there are some love songs that are so beautiful, and so moving - they make you cry and sing along and RELATE in a BIG WAY and OVER IDENTIFY and whatnot*. Some lyrics so powerful, describing a love so epic that it really moves you to believe that someday, somewhere YOU’RE going to have a love like that. Right? And then I was thinking that of all the bands I love, and the great love songs I identify with, I doubt that even one of those people is still with the person about whom they wrote the song.

Think about that, if you will. Yeah, it’s inspiring to hear about epic love, and people meant to be together, and passion and not giving up and blah, blah, blah. And yet all that stuff that gets a person all misty-eyed, it’s all written about relationships which have long-since run their respective courses.

What does that mean?

I think maybe it means that love, no matter how epic-feeling, passionate and seemingly fated, is ephemeral, fleeting and ultimately hopeless. That’s what I think it means. Or maybe it just means that people who feel love that strongly are fated to burn it out too quickly. There’s a Laura Veirs song (not a love song) about that. About famous suicides like Kurt Cobain and Virginia Woolf who (presumably) feel everything too hard and burn up in it. The song is called “Rapture” and it asks:

Love of color, sound and words
Is it a blessing or a curse?

As someone who suspects they feel things much too hard, I sometimes wonder the same thing.

So what do you think? Do love songs give us examples of how it’s all hopeless in the end, for everyone, or are the good ones written primarily by people with a propensity to have intense, but short-lived, love affairs?

*stop asking what songs. It’s none of your business what kind of sappy love lyrics I over-identify with when I am tooling around town.

I had an awesome 24-hr playlist on my iPod for the trip to Savannah and back. Very heavy on The Weepies (of course) Over the Rhine, The Decemberists, Frou Frou, Feist, Imogen Heap, James Taylor (classic road-tripping music) Laura Veirs, Michael Buble & Nellie McKay. I am also really grooving on Viva la Vida by Coldplay, and I am hoping against hope that I won’t hate it with the fury of a thousand suns (from overplay) within a few weeks.

But by far the best song that I listened to while I was on the road was “How will he find me?” by The Weepies. I am all in “over-identify much?” land, but isn’t that why we love the songs we love? Because they speak to us? Anyway, you can listen to it at their site, lyrics excerpt below.

How Will He Find Me? - The Weepies

if i don’t stand out like a star among the moons
if i am always late
and he always backs away too soon

i walk the world with a skin so thin
i can wear no adequate protection
everything comes crashing in

if i’m too wide open for this place
but not enough for him
to recognize my face

how will he find me?
with no one’s arms to gather me together
how will he find me?
only held by gravity
faded with uncertainty
no longer young and not that pretty
how will he ever find me?

it never seems to matter
the tears i cry
there’s a well inside of me
that never runs dry

from being born i guess
and born in life until we die
the music and the hope for love
keep me alive
still i wonder

how will he find me?
with no one’s arms to gather me together
how will he find me?
only held by gravity
faded with uncertainty
no longer young and not that pretty
how will he ever find me?

I also had some of my favorite music in rotation on Thursday when I drove out to the beach on Tybee Island. That way I infused songs that I already loved with all kinds of beachy happiness and the pure joy that is living (when you’re on your way to the beach on a beautiful day with all the windows down and the sunroof open, and not a care in the world, at least).

Hopefully they will be something I can take out and bathe in when I am down this year and there’s no beach handy.