Protected: Lifescore 3/4. Nutrition FAIL.

Sunday Feeling on Monday

Despite a pretty robust (3/4) lifescore today, and (what is for me) hyper-sociability for the last three days, I am still pretty melancholy today, without really knowing why. I’ve been around people, I’ve been to parties, I’ve been to bars, I’ve been writing, I’ve got laundry done and dishes done and house clean. I don’t know what my fecking problem is, really.

I can say that the editing and revision of a novel is much more tedious and time-consuming than the actual first-draft writing of a novel. Very stop and go, very “crap, does that make any sense with what I said three chapters before?” and stuff like that.

What’s funny is that as I was writing the first draft I made little notes to myself, “research blah-blah, look up the date that such and such happened, find out about xyz” Well today, sitting at the gelateria and writing with Todd doing homework next to me I ran into a psychiatric/medical question that I had noted “ask Todd the correct psych diagnosis for this disorder.” So I was able to stop what I was doing and ask him, and that was an interesting discussion.

For each of the main characters in the book I’ve created play lists. “What would be on their iPod” kind of stuff and also songs that I feel capture parts of their personalities. Maybe part of my issue today is that my main character is kind of depressive and feels out of control and helpless. I’ve been listening to her play list all day to get me in the frame of mind to write her and that’s probably having an effect. I’ve switched over to a more hell-raising character’s list, which may perk me up.

Also, the “delete” key on my new laptop’s keyboard is in the place where the “backspace” key was on my old one. That fucks me up because I am a big back-spacer. That’s irritating, and instead of blaming the keyboard and my finger-memory, I blame myself for being stupid, every time I do it.

Lastly, the gelateria guy asked Todd if I was his wife. Why that should be so funny to me, I don’t know. I suppose most people who don’t know us assume that we’re a couple. But it made me laugh anyway.

Wasted Days and…

wasted nights. Total lifescore today of 0/4, meaning I am utterly useless and my day an exercise in time-wasting banality. Go me.

I think I have a negative Lifescore today

Talk about a wasted, do-nothing day. I got up this morning and was headed out the door to work when a violent wave of not-feeling-well hit me. I thought it might be just a Monday thing, but I gave it a few minutes and it was definitely not in my head. So I e-mailed in sick. I didn’t want to just go to bed though, sometimes that makes me feel worse. So I sat down on the couch and put in the Two Towers Special Extended Platinum Director’s Cut Deleted Scenes Extra Stuff Box of White Rice and the Kitchen Sink version. And I watched it all. And then I had some lunch, and let the dogs out, and re-potted a plant. And then I came in and put in Return of the King Special Extended Platinum Director’s Cut Deleted Scenes Extra Stuff Box of White Rice and the Kitchen Sink version. And I watched all that too. And now I have that horrible, logey feeling you get when you do nothing but watch movies for 6 hours straight.

In the meantime I called my doctor, my internist. My gyno wants me to have a procedure done that I think is unnecessary. In fact, I think she’s a procedure-happy hot mess, actually. I think part of the reason she wants to do this procedure on me is so that she doesn’t have to prescribe me pain meds, if you can believe that. She actually said “Well, I’ve never operated on you, so I wouldn’t feel comfortable prescribing any pain medications.” What the fuck? So I should let her operate on me, causing fresh pain, to get medicine in order to releive the pain I already have? When she doesn’t even know what’s causing that?

So I called my internist to see if any of my other conditions might be affecting me in the way I am experiencing, and she basically said exactly the same thing as my gyno, except she also said a couple other stupid things that led me to understand that she has absolutely no concept of what’s going on with my health, and has a fundamental misunderstanding about a few things that are important to me, medically. So she just wants me to go have an invasive medical procedure too, just to “rule some things out.” Well, excuse me if I am not jumping aboard the medical procedures to rule things out train, since I remember very clearly what happened to me last time she wanted to rule things out.If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last year, it’s that I know damn good and well when something’s not right with me. And I am not going to go through an expensive, exploratory, invasive medical procedure just because my doctors won’t listen and won’t prescribe me pain meds.

This is combined with the fact that I just found out that my endocrinologist has left his practice, and now I have a new one. Who knows what she will be like. I am so out of faith with doctors, I am sick of all their bullshit pandering and acting like I am retarded when, if I hadn’t kept pushing them this year, they would have just kept telling me that my issues were all in my head. Since my subsequent diagnoses, I really want to say “Hey fuckwits, I told you so!” to someone, but I don’t think that would improve my general standard of care at all.

Anyway, I feel logey, achy and gross, even though it’s lovely out. I think I am going to go lay down and read a book. I would try outside, but the mosquitoes are sure to be terrible, and that giant spider really freaked me out. I just keep thinking that if there was one like that, there have to be more. Ick. (It’s apparently a St. Andrew’s Cross Spider and has “low venom toxicity.” Whatever.)

Investments

Good thing I went ahead and invested in that carpet steamer. Madame Chelsea must have eaten something that didn’t agree with her, as she demonstrated out both ends all over the office carpet. Bless her heart, but that’s challenging.

And of course all I can think is that the GIANT ASS SPIDER in my garden might have bitten her, or that she might have eaten some foliage that was sprayed with the chemicals I used to destroy that fracking thing. This is why I would make shitty mother, because my head doesn’t go to “ate something that disagreed with her” but more to “poison spider bites” and “ingestion of toxic chemicals” and the resultant neurological damage. I was also listening to her chest to see if she might have a collapsed lung or narrowed airway. Whatever. At least I know these things about myself.

In other news, as my very clean bathroom and almost-done laundry can attest, I’ve been very householdy. I also wrote 1300+ words at this silly SLU coffeeshop and hung out with friends while doing so, giving me a total Lifescore of 3/4 today! So yay me.

I am really grooving on this whole “silently hanging out and communally working on our own projects” thing at various local coffeehouses. MyTodd™ was doing homework, another friend was blogging and another was doing something with her photos online. It’s fun. We shoot each other weird and funny weblinks from time to time, but by and large we just work. I get a ton done because that’s what I am there for, and would feel like a slacker if I didn’t do something. Plus I don’t have to worry that maybe I should be doing something different, because I am already doing two things at once, and that’s enough even for me to calm down about it.

I am going to ix-nay that coffeehouse in the future though, because their chairs were uncomfortable, their WiFi served up ads, their food was overpriced and they were crawling with SLU students.

OK that’s all, I am headed for shower and bath time, then joy of all joys… WORK tomorrow.

2/4 kind of day

It was a 2/4 kind of day, and barely that. I wrote that big old disaffected angry blog post, and that’s counting for creative. I ran errands and straightened up the kitchen, plus assembled 6 of the 9 garden lights my Mom gave me. That counts for household. No exercise and no social, unless talking to MyTodd™ for  five minutes on the phone counts. I am ruling that it does not.

Have to interview 4 people for jobs tomorrow and two the day after that. Rest of my week is shaping up to be extremely tiresome. Except laptop tomorrow! That should be all awesome and cool, I hope!

1/4 or maybe 2/4

Household: I rearranged my bedroom, changed my sheets, took out the trash, put away all the laundry from last night, watered the garden and am now doing a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Can I count that as exercise too? I got sweaty!

Bad news is that I’ve done nothing remotely social, and I feel not at all creative. Hey! I wonder if a tutorial counts as creativity. Maybe I can do a tutorial!

I Can’t Decide

I can’t decide if my new catchphrase should be:

“I don’t want to party with new fillings.”

or

“I caution you, it can be both.”

Lifescore so far today = 0/4, unless turning on the sprinkler counts as a household chore. I am so tired.

3 out of 4, so far

So trying to meet goals for the day. Three out of four isn’t bad, I think.

1. Household. I did the laundry and carried the vacuum cleaner down two flights of stairs to give the downstairs rug a good hoovering.

2. Exercise. I took Jakester over to Lafayette Square Park and walked around for half an hour. He’s totally petrified of everything, and horrible to walk with. I might make myself walk him more by focusing on the benefit for him, getting more socialized. I may take la Chelseapants next time though, she seems to walk better than the other two.

3. Social Stuffs. This one is harder for me, especially during the week. But after our walk I drove Jake over to Todd’s house, on the off chance that he’d be back from his class. He was! WIN! So I chatted with him for awhile about our respective first days of school, and updated his iTunes so that he could buy movies.

4. Creative. Hrms. Nothing so far. And now I am really only wanting to take a shower, finish the laundry and go to bed. But maybe I will think of something?

5. Spending large amounts of money. My laptop was indeed on the verge of failure. When I talked to the IT guy at work he told me that I needed to get my stuff off of it, sooner rather than later. So I bought a new laptop. Well. I ordered a new laptop, which doesn’t relieve my buyers remorse the way it would if I could have brought it home with me today. But overall it was a really good buy. It’s a Sony Vaio, and it blows my old laptop out of the water as far as RAM and HD capacity, plus it’s lighter, with a larger screen. And… it’s pink. I know! But seriously, it’s also a good laptop for my needs, in addition to being pink! I checked! It’s a model that’s on its way out for them, so it was discounted in price, then I found it at newegg $150 or so cheaper than MSRP, then I found it on Best Buy’s website $100 cheaper than THAT even! So, I practically made a profit.

My “nervous about spending money” threshold is around $200 or so, anything over that and I start to triple-guess myself. So this makes me angsty. But I am sure that will all go away once I have it. I had it shipped to work (less chance of it getting delivered to my neighbor, who I am still dodging quite well.) and I really hope it will come before the weekend. My only decision still to be made is whether I am going to wipe Vista off of it when it gets here and install XP. I feel like I would rather, since I use XP on my desktop and at work, and plus I don’t want to be the person with Vista, because I hate it without trying it like all good Intertubes dwellers should.

Anwyay, that’s my day today. Now, off to be creative…

Things I’ve Decided

I’ve decided that I need some kind of perfect mixture of daily activities if I am to go to bed satisfied. (Well, not THAT kind of satisfied, but you know what I mean.)

My days have to have a little bit of creativity so I don’t feel guilty about not being creative, a little bit of socialization so I don’t feel guilty about not socializing, and little bit of household be-bettermenting so I don’t feel like a crazy white-trash slob.

If I do those things—ALL of those things—in a day, then I feel like the day wasn’t wasted. If I skip one of them, I feel that I’ve somehow done it wrong.

Actually, thinking about it now I suppose that a really complete day would include some superBadGirl personal improvement in the form of exercise or something, but certainly that’s not one of my YOUR DAY WAS MADE OF FAIL trigger-points like those other three.

Today I wrote some, went to a blessedly-knitter-free coffee shop with friends and wrote some more then came back home and made a serious dent in yard weedage. That feels like I did it right. Maybe if I find the formula to satisfaction and happiness and I faithfully follow it each day I might be… happy?

Oh lawd. I don’t know if I want to go there. But anyway. Maybe the secret to my happiness is based in math. Wouldn’t that be all ironical ‘n shit?