Angst

I am having some profound, non-specific, free-floating anxiety all day today. And I am not quite sure why. I may be ovulating, now that I think about it. Anyway, I can’t even keep pace with all the shit whirling around in my head, and I had to go get a pedicure to have something to do. And also because I was at the Apple store today and I saw this college-aged guy with flip-flops and the most calloused, gnarly heels in history. And I looked at him with moral superiority and thought “He should so get a pedicure. My feet are looking way good at the moment.” But when I got back to the office I realized that my feet were looking their own version of shoddy, and I felt shame. So I got home, and freaked out because my ass-sucking moron landlord took the awning off my back window. Now, I am hyper-sensitive to changes in my environment. Changes make me mental. Some of you know that from experience. Unexpected and unwelcome changes in something as sacred as my LIVING space are completely unacceptable. I hate that fucker. The quality of light in my bedroom is TOTALLY changed, and not for the better. As well as the fact that this is the warmest room in the house in the summer, and it’s going to be hotter than sweaty balls this summer if he doesn’t put that fucking awning back. Also – how can I sit at my computer with the window open as it pours down rain if I have no goddamned AWNING? Fuckweed.

Anyway I got so upset I had to take a nap. Then I got up and thought fuck it, I am going to get my feet fixed up. So I went to the place I normally go, and as always it was simultaneously good and horribly uncomfortable. I cannot get used to having other people do personal services for me. I just can’t. I feel so uncomfortable, and I keep trying to anticipate what they will need, and not be a bother, and help as much as I can, instead of relax. And I have to wonder if it’s because of the fact that I am white and the people at the nail place are Asian. I mean, I have tons of PC white-girl angst anyway, and I just feel like I want to yell “I am not a plantation owner!” the whole time. Also the fact that they can’t always understand what I am saying, and I really have to concentrate to understand what they are saying doesn’t help. And I think that if I could find a place with white chicks doing pedicures I would go there instead, just so I wouldn’t feel so uncomfortable. But here’s the conundrum. If I prefer to go to a white pedicurist because going to a Korean one makes me feel racist – is that racist? See? See the white girl angst? I can’t win for losing. And it’s all in my head. So of course I have to tip the girl almost 50% because I feel so badly, like I am putting her out or something, when it’s her job. It’s a service she’s chosen to provide and I have chosen to purchase, but it still feels like I am being an asshole somehow. This is why I am glad I don’t ever see my cleaning lady. I already half clean the house before she comes, because it feels horrible that I am making someone else clean it. Jesus.

Anyway, then I am driving along listening to this Eminem/D12 mix CD I made, and that song “Shake That” came on, and I started wonder how I could be so vehemently opposed to every sentiment it expresses, and still love the song? The rhythm and the mixture of the voices and the beat – it’s so perfect and it makes me feel free in my head, like I am just part of the music and I can stop thinking for a minute. But the fucking lyrics! (“I’m looking for a girl who will do whatever the fuck I say, every day she’ll be giving it up.” WTF?) So I try to tell myself that they are a satirical?observation on people who actually feel that way, or they are a commentary on the kind of women who hang out in clubs and want to fuck anyone with money, no matter who they are. The kind of women in their videos, who look like they think other people ought to pay their rent because they give good blow jobs. But?I think that they actually just feel that way about all women, or maybe they actually prefer that sort of women – and that’s disgusting to me. Not to mention how much I love that “One Shot Two Shot” song which is just all about a freaking massacre in a club, and I love it when the guy says “Believe me I’m leavin a carcass today, I’ma park my car and walk the rest of the way. I’m in the mood to strut, my AK ain’t even tuck, I’ma meet you at the club we gon’ fuck these hoes up. And there’s some perverse part of me that admires that. Why? Is it some primal female “My man better be able to take care of business” thing? Because those guys are totally rapping about how they are using women as human shields. And the one guy raps that he leaves his wife behind when the shooting starts. Do I mistakenly think that’s a sign of strength of character, or power? Because the rational part of my brain knows that there’s no power in living a life like that. I couldn’t even walk into a club to see a concert anymore, because I am freaked out that the crowd would riot or stampede or something. So what primitive part of me responds to this stuff? Is it all a joke that I don’t get? Do they seriously mean the things they say? Is it just more than my little white middle-class brain can absorb? It’s sick and unhealthy I think.

And I used to think that about all of rap music, including Eminem. I wouldn’t even listen to him until he came out with Mosh. And I think that it was when I watched that video right before the election, and I felt chills run up my arms that I became… proud of him. And I guess I think now that if he gets it on that level, if he gets the big stuff, then the fact that he raps that he hates gay people and he sounds like a complete misogynist are just things he hasn’t learned to understand yet. Which makes sense if half the crap about his relationships with his mom and his wife is true. Although I don’t understand how he can say the things he says when he has a young daughter. I mean, if someone said that stuff about her he’d probably shoot them – so what’s the difference?

And look, there I am blogging about fucking Eminem again. Something is wrong with me, seriously.

I was?also thinking as I drove tonight that I was driving in a car that’s completely paid off. And you know who paid for it? Me. All of it. And?in 3 months my student loans are going?to be paid off, after 10 long years. And you know who paid for my education? Me. And I am saving money as a down payment on my next car, and I am putting the maximum I can in my 403b, and I am thinking that maybe I want to buy a house by the time I am 40. And I am fiercely proud of all those things. And maybe I am not fabulously wealthy, or?really successful, or totally gorgeous with a killer body – or any of those other yardsticks I think I should measure myself by… but I am proud of myself for those things. There’s a dignity that comes with responsibility that is a really nice feeling. And the fact that I have survived, when so many times I didn’t think I could, and I didn’t want to, and that I have found a way to live in relative peace with myself and the world – I am proud of that too.

Anyway like I said, free-floating anxiety and whirling thoughts that won’t let me rest. Hopefully my brain will be quieter tomorrow.