Online Personals
This is a long one. You’d better go and pee. I will wait.
So, I have decided that I want to stick my toes back into the dating pool. For a few reasons really. One of the larger ones is that I’ve just realized how living next door to my best friend for five years fulfilled all of the social needs of an introvert like me. And I suppose that’s both good and bad. Not like I didn’t date at all while I lived there, but I really never felt that lonely or like I didn’t have someone to talk to about things unless he was on an extended trip. Now when I come home, he’s not around, and calling isn’t the same. As much as I don’t like to admit it I really do enjoy having another warm body around, I like to feel another presence and talk and listen and be in the same space as that person. So, that’s news to me. Also, the thing with my Mom this June, it really shook my tree. I started thinking about the way that I have designed my life, how I have limited my connections to only a close few and how the loss of any of those would be almost unbearable. Not that I want someone to fill a hole or serve as backup, but it set me to assessing how I feel about relationships. And it’s time for me to have some new ones. I am not afraid anymore, not like I was five or six years ago. I am about as emotionally healthy as I am likely to be, or want to be, and that’s saying a lot. I have the confidence to know I can get through anything that gets thrown at me, even if it’s unpleasant, and from that standpoint it doesn’t make sense to limit my relationships - I won’t lose anything I can’t regain, and I think there’s lots of joy to be had from interacting with others.
Anyway, I signed up at a few different dating sites, including one pay site which is well-known and one smaller indie-type one that’s free. And Oh. My. God. is it ever like a train wreck of heroin syringes, looking through these things. The only way I can describe it succinctly is through a list of Things I Have Learned, so here is
Things I Have Learned from Online Dating Sites
- More men than you would think are looking for women to go hunting and camping with - I don’t know if they’re playing out some Deliverance fantasy or are really that sad, but many, many men online (at the major site at least) were seriously looking for women to do “buddy” things with them. So either they’re confused about what a woman is and how she would likely operate or they’re too pathetic to even maintain one buddy. Either way, it’s not Good.
- These men are very likely to attempt mate-attraction via the use of photographs featuring dead animals - no kidding. Nothing screams “Fuckable!” like a huge bloody dead fish in your hands and a big grin on your face. Or in one case your laying in the bed of your truck half obscured by a large deer carcass. “Look Ma! I done kilt it!” doesn’t put any of the women I know in an amorous mood.
- There are way too many sports freaks in this town. Likewise I am not looking for someone whose idea of a good date is mingling with a sweaty crowd of 30,000 drunks, sitting on folding metal seats in the blazing heat and/or pouring rain and screaming in joy when men hit balls with sticks and run around afterward.
- Men who have no business doing so will take and post pictures of themselves shirtless. As exhibit A I submit:
who is looking for “BIG BUTEFUL WOMEN”
- Seriously, the shirtless picture thing is rampant and unexplainable. Check out captain steroid here:
How many years has it been since puka shell necklaces were even just laughably out of fashion? Now they’re just plain disconcerting.
- Men think that women are looking for a “teddy bear” Over and over you can see “I will replace your teddy bear!” “Just a big teddy bear here!” “My friends call me a big teddy bear!” sent out as if it were an attractant. If I wanted a teddy bear, I could go in the closet and get one that I had in Jr. High. Much lower maintenance. And probably less hairy. Who’s looking for a teddy bear?
- Regarding Mr. “True Romantic” Mr. “Loves to give Massages” and Mr. “Wants to cook for you!” I call bullshit. “Loves to give massages” lasts about as long as it takes for him to get tired of fucking you, which given his level of bullshit won’t be all that long. Either that or he wants you to hold really still while he fucks your feet. Also he’s married.
- Men think that “I will do anything for anyone, any time” is a positive character trait. This one appears with startling regularity in profiles of guys who are 35+ and single. “My friends say I would do anything for anyone, that I am the nicest guy they know.” Hey guy, that’s not a compliment. Why in the world would you do “anything for anyone”? Don’t you have a healthy amount of self preservation/interest to guide you? Have you no regard for your own personal space or rights or needs? Are you really so desperate for affection that you’re always the guy who bails out the drunk girl with a flat tire on her way home from fucking the guy who doesn’t do anything for anybody, ever? Yes, altruism is a wonderful trait, when balanced by a healthy expectation that people hold up their end of the relationship. But if the nicest thing that most people can say about you is that they can always count on you to feed their cat when they go to Vegas… well you might want to invest in a can of “Spine-Gro Plus! Now with extra stiffeners!”
- Some guys think they’re really going to find a girl who’s turned on by Star Trek and is looking for the guy who’s looking for his “Imzadi”. Yeah, I know what that is. That was a fucked-up episode anyway about the trade of a woman’s soul for men’s wars to be temporarily mediated, and it was crap. Anyway, do you really want to her to gain 80 lbs and stop bathing, possibly growing stubble as she becomes more like you? I didn’t think so. Likewise to Mr. “Keymaster looking for the Gatekeeper”. Yeah, women get the reference. It’s creepy.
- This fucking guy exists (I have to post the whole profile because it’s too fucking insane not to read start to finish. If I was writing “Redneck’s Guide to Mating” I couldn’t have invented this guy. His hair is just the cherry on top of the shit milkshake. All (sic)
The feature that captures my attention isgood strait teethIn our free time, my ideal match and I would stay in bed all day and have fun
The thing that I appreciate most in a partner is intelligence & independence
Something I can’t live without is a good tight woman
To me, romance means pleasing my woman for hours I am able 2 give my lady plenty of space I understand alone time I need mine as well im not a full fledged mem so if ur wantin 2 yak?????????????? Im looking 4 a woman who CAN LEAVE HER CELLPHONE AT HOME WHEN OUT & ABOUT! If u r above the age of 25 im guessing u can remember the good times when u used to talk on the phone THAT HAD A CORD ATTACHED , AT HOME AT THE KITCHEN TABLE & the most amazing thing of all(& heres the kicker!!!) everyday tasks still got done & probably quicker b-cause you wernt spending all ur time tryin 2 get a SIGNAL! WHOA! LOL Im a long haired country raised dude life livin kinda guy, fresh meat off the hoof meat&potatoes eatin farm operating MO_FO Im a motorcycle ridin modern day cowboy not the horse ridin type but got them too for scenery & all broke & rideable just not much by me neighbors 1/2 mile away piss off the front porch livin r u fimilar w/this kinda lifestyle? I am, 35 years of this kinda FREEDOM where the treefrogs & crickets r the only sounds u can hear for hours, EVERYNIGHT LOCK the gate & not see people for days YES, DAYS! if u wish but still close enough 2 “society” 2 go that route - if u like 2 leave the tranquillity&sernity of nature thats just about a min ride up the street I have aREAL CLOSE KNIT fam 1 bro & 1 bro ive had since 3rd grade & HIS crew & OF COURSE THE GIRLS THE GIRLS THE GIRLS &THEIR MOTHERS WHO BY THE WAY ARE STILL VERY CLOSE 2 ME & ARE WELCOME 2 COME VISIT & STAY FOR AS LONG AS THEY WISH & THEIR COMPANY IS ALWAYS WELCOME & THEY BOTH WOULD SAY THE SAME ABOUT/TO ME FOR THEY R INDEPENDENT & SUCCESSFUL ON THEIR OWN OR IF IN AN ACTIVE RELATIONSHIP. IF THIS MIGHT B ANY SORT OF PROB 2 U I DONT NEED OR DEAL W/ STATIC AS SUCH SO KEEP KICKIN’ ROCKS IF UR THE JEALOUS(SP) OR INSECURE TYPE GO ON W/GETTIN ON &DONT waste OUR time,dig? SLAYER!
In case that wasn’t enough to attract you, here’s his lovable pooch. Probably named “Mr. Cuddlebear Tiddlywinks Esquire” even though it’s a female.
- People can’t spell. I knew that, but for some naive reason thought that they might make more of an effort when trying to attract a potential mate. “Looking to make sence of it all” probably won’t have all that much luck. And I didn’t know that men over 40 even knew about the “Lookin4U” trick. What are they, l337 now?
- Men think women are blind. How else is this guy (by far not the only offender) going to describe himself as “average” build?
Now, that’s a large man. Minimum a “few extra pounds” man. And I am not saying he’s bad looking, his other pictures are quite cute. But my brain does have the capacity to look at your picture and recognize a mis-match between your self-description and your actual appearance. (Sarah’s comment was “He only looks big because he’s standing in front of all that water!”) And for all those morbidly obese “athletic” men out there who are looking for “Slim/Slender” builds in their potential dates… well, good luck with that. I am sure that’s nothing to do with why you’re 43 and single.
- Men will not lie about living with their parents at 36 and making $24,000 or less a year. That’s justification for lying if I ever heard it, but they throw it right out there. Also they’re looking for attractive slim/slender dates. Given that what, 40-50% of the female population is overweight in this country, how realistic do you expect that to be? Consider that those women are highly sought-after in a limited pool of available females and then justify why you think they will be attracted to your basement-dwelling, broke-ass self? You can get back to me on that.
OK that’s enough rant for now. I feel like there will be a part 2 on this, concerning the guys that have actually contacted me (some of whom are hilarious, friendly and very nice, BTW) But seriously, this is way funner than I could have imagined.
Filed under: dating drama, personal ramblings |16 Responses to “Online Personals”
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Although I never stayed with a service longer than the introductory period, lol. Usually 3 - 6 months. Generally takes me longer than that to really get to know someone I’ve actually met :oops: :lol:
Anyway, hope you have better luck :smile:
I am not brave, and I feel like even if I go there I’d have a panic attack about interacting with anyone. :oops: Plus I’ve pretty much never dated, having been married at 20 and never recovered, so we’re talking new territory. Scary.
*is the pathetic loser person* :lol:
You know, Mr. Average Build up there is the only one of them that looks human. The rest are freaks.
I don’t really consider walks on the beach, dining out, and watching movies to be interests. Although all nice to do sometimes they don’t say anything interesting about a person.
Nor (from typical guy ads) do I consider watching baseball or going hunting an interest. Hunting is getting away from people and killing something that has no chance of fighting back to make yourself feel powerful. As far as watching baseball (or most other TV for that matter) I think way too many people spend too much time watching other people have interesting lives rather than creating an interesting life for themselves.
As far as movies it depends what movies we’re talking about. If somebody is expecting me to spend a lot of time sitting around watching *bad* movies, I feel like that’s kind of crucial. Like my parents always used to watch movies on the Lifetime Channel. Stuff with Tori Spelling or Susan Lucci. *shudder*
But I only have one channel these days, so chances are I’d have no idea what anybody was talking about as far as TV anyway. But meanwhile, we can all not watch sports together. Basketball or something fast moving can hold my attention temporarily, but I just can’t get into it as a regular thing. My attention span isn’t that long. Susie, what sport shall we not watch first? I’m voting for that curling thing with the rock sweeping going on. :lol:
I think I’ll watch my computer do a 12 hour render instead … or watch paint dry.:roll:
Ok, ok. You do deserve to have someone special in your life (and it’s hard for me to believe you don’t already!) But still, hope you’ll continue with this series for a while. I haven’t laughed this much in ages.
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