On Being Loud and Angry and Unapologetic

I’ve been thinking lately about how often I use conciliatory/calming modifying language when I speak to people about things that I assume will make them uncomfortable. I do it too much, I know that. I have long-since broken myself of the habit of saying things like “Well, I am probably wrong but…” or “This may not be relevant, but…” or “You know, I really don’t know too much about this, but I think that maybe….” because I have read a whole heck of a lot of gender related communications research and I recognize that these are conversational tactics that females develop in response to being in male-dominated environments (it usually starts in classrooms) and that while they’re a natural response to having your voice drowned out over and over and over, they’re damaging and they allow people to discount what you’re saying before you even start. And so I do not do that anymore. If I am going to open my mouth what I say is going to be worth you listening to, goddammit, and it’s going to be relevant, goddammit, and if you don’t think so you’re free to argue that point with me, but I am not going to preempt my own damn statements by assuming that other people won’t find them important. And I see other women doing that shit, especially in work meetings, and aside from wasting time it infuriates me so that I want to punch them in the head. Own your space, own your words, don’t apologize for existing and having thoughts. Don’t do it!

It would perhaps behoove me to have more patience, as not everyone has studied the issue like I have, and many women probably do not realize that they are doing it. But you know what? I am not all that well known for my patience with ignorance and women who fuck shit up for themselves and other women and make themselves seem ineffectual and weak.

So I’ve stopped that preemptive “please disregard what I am about to say” bullshit. But what I have not been able to stop is this damn conciliatory nonsense-speak. Like: “Look, all I am saying is…” and “…is my only point.” and “OK not to be rude here but…” and “…if you can see what I am saying…” all that bullshit, hand-stroking “Please listen to me although my words might just make you outraged and FSM knows we can’t have anyone being outraged with my words! Oh noes!” crap.

Because FSM forbid that I just own my own truth and tell it to you straight out and damn the consequences. We can’t have that. People might get MAD! Or offended! Or think I am a jerk! And I should be NICE! Really nice! All the time! I shouldn’t get angry at all these angry-making things! I should not be outraged! It’s bitter and weird! I am all nonsensical! Why can’t I calm down and be civil?

And you know what? Blah. I am tired of being nice in response to not-niceness. The world is not very nice, I don’t know why I am expected to be all nice back at it. When I am talking about things that might offend other people, it’s usually because those things are harsh and ugly and offensive, and *I* am offended, and it’s really pretty damn Jem-level truly outrageous shit. So I can probably stop with that “Hey women have it tough, is all I am saying! Please don’t be mad that I made a point right here in front of you! Don’t be all incensed that I had a strong feeling, if you please, I really didn’t mean it… except for the part I did! Unless it made you mad. <<sadface.>>

And that’s how I have been feeling lately. Mad at myself for making nice, when I don’t even really know if it’s necessary. I mean, most times I am conversing, I am dealing with adults who I esteem on some level or I wouldn’t be bothering to deal with them. And so I owe them the respect of offering them an authentic conversation with the actual me, and the actual opinions that I hold, not a watered-down version that I have judged will be acceptable to their palate. And yes, some people will get all mad that I use the strong, direct words at them—but that’s more their problem than mine.

So, in the way of how things go on the Internetz, I recently read this post over at Fugitivus, and it really spoke to that.

If you are unable to critically examine my statements and arguments because I use swears, that’s a problem with your ability to listen, not my ability to speak. If you can’t listen to an argument unless I smooth back your hair, whisper delicately in your ear, and assure you that really I am not very angry and here I will hold your hand and sing gently while I say such difficult things, you’re not actually looking to listen to anybody. You’re looking to have your ego stroked, you’re looking to be fawned over, and you’re looking to control the conversation. Not in my space. Assholes get called assholes here, and if that’s too rough and tumble, then admit that you can’t rough and tumble.

So my personal project for the next little while is to break myself of the habit of following up my own valid points with “…is all I am saying.” and other conciliatory/calming modifiers. Which doesn’t mean I can’t make my points politely. It just means that I don’t have to build into my points an apology for having made a point in the first place. So if you’re interacting with me and I do that shit, you are free to punch me in the head. Or just point it out.