Things I am Loathe to Talk About

The list of things I don’t want to discuss at any one time is fairly large. There are 4-5 things I can think of right now that I am totally unwilling to talk about, because if I don’t talk about them, they won’t be real. But something I don’t want to talk about but feel that I must is that the oldest of my three dogs, Princess Bruiser, is sick.

I don’t know how old PB is, she was a stray and was at least 6-7 years old when I got her back in 2002. So she has to be 13-14 years old, and possibly is even older than that. She has had a heart murmur since I got her, and that’s progressively worsened with her age. Nevertheless she’s remained quite spry, with the dire prophecies of surgery needed to correct her luxating patellas never coming to pass, she (usually) runs around and keeps up with the other two. And aside from poisoning herself with xylitol that time, she’s been fairly healthy. Sure, she gets tired easier than the other two do and would prefer to spend most of her time either being carried around or laying on a heating pad basking, but she’s an older lady. That’s to be expected.

One of my favorite pics of Princess B, back at my old apartment.

In July though, she had what we’re going to call an episode. She came upstairs as we were getting ready for bed and she started coughing. That’s not abnormal for her, and chihuahuas frequently suffer from collapsing trachea  – coughing makes them re-expand. So I didn’t think anything of it. But then she started wheezing, and then she fell over. Just kaboom, fell over on her side, conscious but unable to move. I picked her up and she was like a ragdoll, her body just sagged limply in my hands. She couldn’t even lift her head. So I held her, willing her to keep breathing, and after 5 minutes or so she was able to move around a little again. By the next morning she was fine. I took her to the vet, and she did some x-rays. Bruiser’s heart is enlarged, asymmetrical and had some fluid buildup around it. Also hear heart murmur had progressed from 3/6 to 4/6. Basically the night before her heart was no longer circulating enough blood to her muscles and organs to keep them working, which is why she collapsed but was still conscious. At that time the vet put her on an ACE inhibitor and a diuretic, to make her heart work more efficiently, and told me to keep her calm. Since then she’s improved, she’s had one or two coughing episodes since then, but nothing major. But last week she had another episode like the first one.

I had been trying to carry her up and down the stairs since the first time that happened, especially at night when she’s overtired, but she snuck up behind me last week as I was upstairs getting dressed to go out. She stood there looking at me and then she started coughing, then she collapsed again. This time she was crying because she couldn’t breathe, and contorting her neck to try to get air. It’s really awful to see. So I took her back to the vet. Now they’ve put her on a second drug to make her heart work more efficiently, and reinforced that she can’t do anything to strain her heart, like get excited or go up multiple flights of stairs. I can tell she’s tired, when she gets in bed with me she lays in one position on the pillow all night, covered with a blanket, not willing to move around. This morning she had a coughing/shaking fit while coming down the stairs – something that’s never happened before. It’s very scary and sad. Every day when I come home I am not sure if she’s going to come to the door and greet me, or if I am going to find her body somewhere cuddled under a blanket. I know I am a doom and gloom kind of person, but I also know that it’s only a matter of time until her heart can no longer function.

Because I am a worrier, and planning makes me feel more prepared and in control, I’ve found a company that will come to pick up her body when she dies. I know that seems very maudlin and maybe cold-hearted, but I couldn’t take the thought of being alone and grieving in the house with her dead body, and trying only then to figure out what to do about it. I needed to have plans in place for when that time comes. This company will come to get her and cremate her remains and return them to me. I don’t even know how I can type that without freaking out – but honestly I would rather come to terms with it now than later.

I have no concept of how my life is going to be without her in it. 7+ years of her constant companionship have changed me. Sometimes during those years she was the only connection I had (or wanted) with the outside world. Having the other dogs will soften the blow somewhat, I think, and that’s part of the reason I have them. I can’t be alone in that house without her, certainly. Not that I don’t love the other two, but PB is my heart.

Anyway, I don’t want to talk about this but I feel like I have to. Both so that I can process it and prepare myself, and for those of the rest of you who know her, so when and if something happens to her it’s not a rude surprise. Maybe I am wrong and she’s got years left on the planet. I certainly hope so. But I suspect that’s not the case.