Gentlemen

OK listen up. It’s come to my attention that some of you single gentlemen feel as if you’re having issues hooking up with the ladies, and/or getting laid.

This is your own fault.

Never in my life have I witnessed such a concentration of guys with no game as those I saw last night. Honest to fucking god. There was some epic fuckwittery happening all around me, and it was a bit baffling to observe.

So here are a few hints, guys, and they may help you out!

Hint: If you’re trying to sex up a lady, do not tell that lady that there are a lot of other women trying to fuck you, and you’re considering fucking one of them. You might assume that this will put the lady in the mindset of “Oh my, I had better jump on this premium opportunity before he is snatched up by some other avaricious female-type person!” In actuality, this will put the lady in the mindset of “So why don’t you go fuck that chick up in the Niagara Falls area, then, and also remove your hand from my ass?” Women with any sense of self-worth do not respond well to your trying to play them off against each other.

Hint: Any interaction you’re going to have with a lady is pretty much going to involve talking. If you’re unable and/or unwilling to talk, you could try flash cards – but this is not likely to have a high success rate. If you walk away whenever your target lady is in the vicinity, you’re probably not going to be able to progress the relationship much.

Hint: Getting drunk and asking women to feel you up is not a path to blow jobs. It’s a path to creating a throng of skeeved-out women promptly turning their backs whenever you walk into the area. Plaintively asking “What’d I do? Why’s everyone avoiding me?” will not help your cause.

Hint: Being overly cruel and assholish in response to playful banter is not necessary. We’re not in a war, we’re in a conversation. Check your level of snap-back, and moderate it.

Hint: Giving women lectures about their behavior and/or actions is not necessary, nor is it likely to be well-received. We’re not looking for life coaches. Most of my lady-friends are competent adults, and none of them got to be the age they are without knowing how to take care of their own shit.

In general there is a progression to sexual/romantic interactions and it goes something like this:

1. Meet coincidentally (“Hey, good to meet you, what’s going on in your world?”)
2. Converse to your mutual pleasure and satisfaction (“So tell me what you do. Here’s what I do. Cool.”)
3. Do that another time or two (“Hey, so cool to see you again, how’s that one thing going?’)
4. Make plans to interact outside the original meeting place (“Hey, want to hang out at such-and-such thing that seems interesting to us both?”)
5. Exchange methods of contact (“Here’s my phone number, text me and we can arrange to meet at that very interesting place.”)
6. Interact outside the original meeting place (“I am so glad you were able to come out! Isn’t this fun?” Alternatively: “Holy shit this is a bad time! Glad I can share it with someone with your sense of humor!”)
7. Do that another time or two (“That was so cool/bad that we should do it again/do something entirely different next time.”)
8. Get sexed up (“I’ve got a great bottle of tequila/adorable puppy/comfortable bed at my house. We we should go check that out.”)
9. Keep doing that some more, or decide you’re not doing that any more and call it off. (“Hey we should totally do that again sometime.” or “That was awkward! I will see you around and we can mutually pretend it didn’t happen!”)

It’s honestly not that complicated, guys. Really. We women are familiar with this pattern, and are generally very, very gentle about interrupting the flow if we don’t want it to progress.

Additionally:

• Women who don’t seem to want to converse with you or constantly excuse themselves to use the bathroom do not want to go to step 4.
• Women who can’t seem to remember their own phone numbers or email addresses for some reason don’t want to progress to step 5.
• Women who invite you over to “watch a movie” want to skip to step 8.
• If you’re having a nice conversation with a woman and she suddenly walks away angrily and won’t speak to you any more, you did/said something wrong. Review your conversation and see what it was. Don’t do it again. Perhaps apologize or clarify. Don’t follow her around for the rest of the night trying to play it off, or seemingly not realizing that she’s dodging you.

FSM bless everyone, that was some sick shit to observe last night.

Addendum: Spilling multiple drinks on a girl, and then offering to lick the last one off? Also not ok.