Conversational Conundrums

I told a friend this morning that I am going to get a new t-shirt, and I am going to wear it out every weekend from now on. And it’s going to say “Then why the fuck did you bring it up?”

Seriously. I had too many conversations last night where people would say something to me, and then I would respond with a comment on what they’d said, and then they’d get all paranoid and wig out and start denying all kinds of shit that I didn’t even care about in the first fucking place.

For the record – when I am having bar conversation with you, peripheral acquaintance, you’re going to get only four or five topics from me. These topics, loosely are:

• How we are doing with our various drinks
• How our respective days/weeks were (a.k.a. how I hate my job, don’t you?)
• Look at that fuckwit over there (sometimes “isn’t it crowded/not crowded?”)
• How the music does/doesn’t suck
• What we’re doing later

That’s about as in-depth of a conversation as I want to have with people who are not my actual friends. I don’t care if other people bring up other topics, but I do think it’s safer to stick to these, so you don’t have any misunderstandings. So for instance if you want to point out people in the bar you’ve fucked, or want to fuck, that’s cool. But don’t bring that shit up and then get all testy when I ask you a question, or make a comment about one of those people.

Don’t bring up specific problems or issues you’re having in your life unless you’re asking for my help in solving them. For instance: don’t bring up your mysterious computer ailments that you can’t solve on your own or afford to have diagnosed elsewhere—knowing that I could help you—and then say you don’t need help. If you don’t want or need my help then what the fuck did you bring it up for? You think I carry cookies in my pocket to hand out for commiseration when people have problems? I do not. My personality means that if you present me with a problem I will try to offer whatever resources I have to solve it for you. Don’t bring up shit I can help you with and then tell me you don’t need help. I am not your therapist, I am an actual actor in your world.

Don’t tell me you’re sad and can’t sleep and have all kinds of stress and then tell me you’re fine and don’t need anyone to talk to. I don’t care if you don’t want to talk to me about your problems, I’m private too, but don’t start talking to me about your shit and then get cagey when you realize I am actually listening. Don’t bring it up if you want to keep it secret, I don’t go for that cryptic bullshit. If you want to make enigmatic statements, make them to someone else. I don’t respect your angst or your quiet desperation or whatever issue you’re working over there.  Talk or don’t talk, whatever the fuck your pleasure is, but make a fucking decision already. Your leading statements practically leave an ellipsis hanging in the air after them, don’t freak when I try to follow up. I don’t really care all that much, but YOU are the one who brought it up.

Don’t tell me you’re lonely and then refuse to come talk to people. Don’t ask me a question and then promptly zone out on my answer. Don’t contradict yourself, don’t engage my interest then freak out when I ask questions about what you’re telling me. Don’t be patently feeling one way and saying you feel another way. What am I, emotionally retarded? No. Just don’t be so fucking weird.

So if you want to have bar conversation, have bar conversation. Topics listed above. If you’re my friend, and you want to have friend conversation A) Make sure I am not too drunk first B) Make sure there’s no one I hate standing right there (I am not going to talk about anything in front of people I hate. Real conversation requires some semblance of privacy, or else you’re always going to get some fuckwit chiming in with their unsolicited advice and commentary. Fuck that.) Once you know I am not about to pass out, and there aren’t a bunch of people standing there that I want to stab, then C) fire away with any topic in your pretty little head. I will talk about anything with my friends.

But seriously, don’t bring it up if you don’t want to talk about it. I have the time for that bullshit, but not the patience.