Friday Shenanigans – Bring Your Own Glass

Considering how rip-roaringly, staggeringly, gigglingly, sneezingly drunk I got last Friday, I suppose it’s not a surprise that I don’t recall with absolute clarity the exact events of the later part of the evening. However, I just remembered the most interesting part of the early evening, when Matt had to throw someone out of the bar.

It’s not exactly a rare occurrence that Matt has to eject someone from the illustrious environs of everyone’s favorite dive bar, but it’s almost always amusing when it happens. Matt has such a way about him when dealing with obnoxious drunks; it’s quite lovely to watch. It’s part of what I love most about Matt: his almost unshakeable calm and presence of mind while he’s working, even when he’s as staggeringly drunk as the rest of us. It’s impressive.

As I’ve said before, I am irresistibly drawn to people who are calm. If you’re totally unflappable, I totally want to sit next to you. That’s mostly because I myself am excessively flappable, and want to bask in the presence of people who don’t seem to be freaking out all the time. It’s why myself and MyTodd™ are symbiotes, and why I have such preternatural fondness for Dave who won’t Twitter. Those are some chilled out guys. It’s usually hard to get them to express an actual real-life emotion, much less evince any form of upset. I need that around me. People who are nervous and excitable and freaking out all the time (I am looking at you, RD) make me jittery, and I don’t like to feel jittery. (Re-reading this I think it’s possible my ultimate companion might be some kind of emotionless cyborg.)

So, Matt is like MyTodd and DWWT, but on an Enterprise Level! He’s professionally chilled out and calm, and good at making people feel welcome and happy and not-jittery. It’s a trait you’d love to have in a really good therapist, and more than you can rightfully expect from your friendly neighborhood barkeep. Nevertheless, he’s got it.

So Friday night, quite early, some old drunk staggers in. He looks vaguely familiar (and no, not because he’s one of my close friends, who are also mostly old drunks now that I think about it.) and I think I’d seen him in there being old and drunk and smelly some other times. But he bellies up to the bar, and everyone is prepared to let him be old and drunk and smelly as long as he does that in a nice, quiet way. But no. Nothing will do but that he insert himself into our conversation, after first talking to Matt for a while (sample conversation):

OD: “Did I tell you I am moving to Texas?”
Matt: “Yeah, you said that before. When are you going to go ahead and do it?”

We were hardly discussing anything earth shattering, I was still goggling over KK bringing her own wine bottle and glass with her. Because that is about as classy as it gets, really. And we were also discombobulated by the fact that BeanieStu had stolen our registered corner of the bar (because he thought that if he sat in our seats he would have a chance to get all bromantical with Matt – but of course that’s not how it works.) So we weren’t really paying attention to the old drunk. But the guy kept trying to converse with us, no matter how steadily we ignored him. I think MyTodd™ might have also been whispering to us about his favorite story with that particular old drunk guy, which entails him doing  an ass-plant on the concrete outside the bar one night, then trying to play it off when people proffered help,  whipping out a cigarette and acting as if he was just purposely having a quick lie-down on the pavement. As you do.

Anyway, he finally got so obnoxious that Matt addressed it with him, and the guy said “Hey, it’s a free country, if you don’t like what I am saying, why don’t you just throw me out then?” to which Matt replied “OK, how about I just throw you out then?” which baffled the guy for a minute. This was long enough for Matt to grab up his cigarettes and beer as the guy spluttered something. See, Matt has the loveliest, non-confrontational way of ejecting an objectionable patron. He doesn’t touch them, he just takes their drink outside and sets it on the picnic table. Then they have to follow it. It’s really effective and low-contact. One time he took a guy’s drink AND his change and led him out of the bar crooning “Follow the money, follow the money.” to the poor befuddled dipshit who’d just been fondling Jessica.

See, this is why we love Matt.

So Matt courteously poured the guy’s remaining beer in a plastic glass and started walking it and the guy’s pack of cigarettes out. Of course the guy didn’t think much of his own suggestion anymore, and now felt like he’d rather not be kicked out of the bar.

OD: “If you take my beer outside, there’s gonna be a fight!”
Matt (deadpan): “OK, bring it on then.”

Of course I am excitable and start looking around to see who can back Matt up if he has to fight the Old Drunk. And none of the bar’s patrons at that time looked as if they were particularly up to the task, except for BeanieStu who looked disinclined to offer assistance, and RD, who was nowhere to be seen. Of course my worrying about it was for naught, since Matt could certainly take Old Drunk unassisted, but still I like to worry. As I was fretting the guy sheepishly staggered out the door and into the frigid South Grand evening, collecting his sad plastic cup of beer along the way.

And for the absolute capper (at least for those who know the history) here comes RD a moment later, saying “Hey, what happened? Did I miss someone getting thrown out? I was in the bathroom!”

Of course you were, RD. Of course you were.

There’s really no moral or punchline to this story, it was just fun for me to see Matt doing some Basic Drunk Wrangling™. Luckily he didn’t also decide to wrangle my drunk ass later that evening, although the entertainment factor of my letting another girl there twice stick her face in my cleavage and then (apparently) play my breasts like bongos probably worked in my favor. I was three miles into hot mess territory last week.

Tonight – moderation is the key!

Seriously!