F**k a bunch of insomnia
Out until 2:30 last night, in bed by 3:00, up by 7:00 – not tired. Fuck that. How can I fail at something as fucking FAIL as sloth, for fuck’s sake? I would have liked to stay in bed all day – wake up all surprised at 4pm like “OMG how did it get to be so late?” and then wander around in my PJs eating cereal and watching TV. I am attempting to lead a dissolute kind of lifestyle up in here, people. Instead I am up at the asscrack of Saturday dawn, freezing and aggravated. And this is on the back of getting pretty much no sleep at all this week, and not being able to nap yesterday afternoon.
I had a shitty night last night – completely of my own design – and plan to have an even shittier day today, resenting Mardi Gras parades and the drunken, teeming throngs of fuckwits they represent, resenting MyTodd™ going to that stupid party I don’t want to go to and making it so I have nothing to do tonight, resenting myself for not wanting to go, resenting this stupid-ass holiday for existing in the first place and basically feeling like the wrong sort of person in the wrong sort of world.
Because I can take my own happy ass out and do whatever the fuck I want without a security blanket – I know I can. But I don’t know if I will, even though it would make me happy to do it. And I hate my whole everything for that even being my god-damned dilemma. I am too old and too smart for this bullshitty way of being. So I resent me and the world and life too. And I know that sucks and is a shitty attitude and I should be a different, shiny happy kind of person. But at the same time I am sick to fucking death of people asking me why I am not a different, happy-shiny kind of person.
I am JUST NOT.
BECAUSE, that’s why.
Sometimes people throw away happiness with both hands because that’s really all they can think to do with it. Maybe happiness is heavy, I don’t fucking know.
Edit: After talking to a friend of mine, apparently things are not as much my fault as I thought they were, and other people are also much to blame. This soothes my savage insomnia beast a little. I don’t know if it’s harder to assume everything’s my fault, or harder to realize some things can’t be my fault because they’re out of my control.
Damien Rice – Woman Like a Man (listen at blip.fm)
You wanna get boned,
You wanna get stoned,
You wanna get a room like no one else.
You wanna be rich,
You wanna be kitsch,
You wanna be the bastard of yourself.
You wanna get burned,
You wanna get turned,
You wanna get fucked inside out.
You wanna be ruled,
You wanna be fooled,
You wanna be a woman like a man,
Like a woman like a man.
One Response to “F**k a bunch of insomnia”
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Heidi on
February 24, 2009 12:51 am
Shiny, happy people are usually on drugs. Or else they’re being mind-controlled by an evil god, like on Angel.
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