What do you mean, I’m not in charge of that?
So far I have employed a few different techniques to deal with this foot thing. They differ significantly from last year’s most-used methods (weeping, cursing, throwing various objects at other objects until something breaks.)
The primary coping mechanism so far has been that trusty family standby “pretending it’s not happening.” I can really make this one work only by sitting down and not moving, since the pain of utilizing said appendage is a pretty steady reminder that there’s an issue of some sort.
The next method = painkillers. They seriously aid in the first (dissociation from reality) method but they have a tendency to wear off and also to make me sleepy and confused.
The last method has been denial of facts in ready existence, a.k.a. “If you refuse to wear a corrective device, there can’t be anything wrong with you at all.” Which is why I am not wearing that foot brace.
And a subsidiary to all of these theories is the “not fair” hypothesis – which holds that I wasn’t doing anything wrong, —was doing housework in fact—and was on vacation. It would be karmically implausible to injure myself in this way under those circumstances.
Honestly, I just can’t imagine that the world is this perverse. This can’t be happening, I refuse for it to be happening, therefore it is not happening. See how that one works?
I’ve had varying levels of pain since Tuesday, at times being able to walk with almost no pain at all (see: painkillers) and at other times having pain worse than when I first had my cast off in April. My toes have been alternatingly numb/pain free/painful, and I don’t know what that means. I wish I had a better understanding of foot/bone mechanics so that I could form a more educated guess as to whether this pain signals another break or not. One part of me says “no way – this doesn’t hurt as much as the original break, so it can’t be another break. Right?” The other part of me sasses back with “Well why hasn’t the pain subsided yet, smarty pants? What do you think you have, a toe sprain?” And I don’t really know enough about how feet work to say that toe sprain is/is not a workable theory.
All I know is that this is a gigantic pile of bullshit, and that I should never have told my mother about it at all, since she’s been steady crying and unable to sleep since I did tell her. For the record: she hates to think of me all alone in this big house with no one to help me, so very alone and by myself, isolated, in this state I am in of being without anyone else here, lonely, by myself and so very alone. Which is very thoughful of her to point out.
Although on the bright side she also posits that my state of solitary, hyper-alone, isolated, single, helpless, gaping void of pointless, useless life is nonetheless better than her some people’s state of being aggravated 24/7 by my father some people who will remain nameless. But is is very hard for her to deal with the concept of me all alone and injured in my bleak, empty household. For the record. But she’s really glad I told her about it because trouble shared is trouble halved. And now she has to go lie down and cry for awhile, while she thinks of my bravery here all alone by myself.
Ahem.
Filed under: brokenFootDrama, family madness | Comments (2)2 Responses to “What do you mean, I’m not in charge of that?”
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The fact that I’ve done the same journey for 14 years doesn’t come into it.
As for the foot – denial is only good to a certain extent. Wear the foot brace just in case, then you don’t do extra damage to it if it is broken again. Hoep you feel better soon.
What about me being the one who might need some support? Why do I have to assure her that everything is going to be fine, while she gets to weep and fall apart?
Honestly, people wonder why I have fucking intimacy issues and get secretive – it’s because every time I try to tell something to someone close to me I end up having one more problem on my hands, rather than any help.
Anyway. The stupid brace makes me have its own new pain, because it also throws my back and left hip out of alignment. So it’s one set of problems for another, and the brace also has bonus “blisters on the affected foot” and “potential for falling down so elegantly.” So right now I am opting for hobbling on the bare foot instead.