Back to the Coal Mine

November 2nd, 2008

So tomorrow I have to go back to work, and that means I have to leave Jake here. He’s been fine all weekend, acting like he feels well, no bleeding, vomiting, petechia, nothing to give me any cause for immediate concern. But I can’t get over the feeling that as soon as he’s out of my sight something’s going to to wrong. I am nauseated at the thought of leaving him for 8 hours.

I wish that the vet(s) could have given me a prognosis that was more reassuring, or at least gave me something more concrete for my mind to chew on. Like: If “x” he will be fine, if “y” there is a problem. Right now it’s more like: if “x, y or q” there’s a problem. If none of those, there may still be a problem.

So tomorrow I am going to have to go sit at a stupid place and deal with fuckwitted morons, addressing problems of no consequence to people who will never understand WTF is going on around them, all in service to a useless cause, when all I want to do is stay home with my little guy. Life sucks like that. We have to spend all our time doing shit we hate, in order to afford the one or two things in the world we care about. Because that stupid ass job is what gave me the cash I needed to treat Jake. It pays for our house and his food. But it also sucks away part of my soul every single time I have to go to it.

Someday I have a dream of being able to afford truly employer-independent health care, and being able to survive on the income I could get from freelance work. Maybe.

So tomorrow I am going in early in case I need to leave early to run Jake to the vet for blood work. If I do, that means I will be expecting results on Tuesday. I am also seeing my new endocrinologist on Tuesday. Tuesday’s also when a little national election is happening too. You may have heard a little about that.

All in all, I think I am going to be looking forward to Wednesday when – even if it’s not the news I want – I will have some news, and get out of horrible anxiety filled waiting/limbo land.

/Sunday Rantings. Have a good week everyone.

Music : Nellie McKay - Work Song