The Jake Chronicles
More on Jakester later, you can check my twitter feed for the ongoing saga until I have time to write it up properly.
But tonight, when something’s really wrong with him, and when the house is stripped of all of its joy, that’s when you know what it means to have something really wrong in your personal world. And preparing yourself for it, being cynical and fatalistic and pessimistic - that doesn’t help.
You’re no better prepared to dodge the pain when it comes by refusing to feel the joy when it’s here.
For two years now, every single time I get home I open the door and start counting. One… two… three furry butts come to greet me. I watch them rush out into the yard all together, and if one is delayed or takes longer (for instance Princesses B and C like to sleep on the second floor sometimes, and take a while to hear me get back.) I immediately start thinking they’re dead somewhere. They’re hurt, injured, sick, they’re dying. I just know that today’s the day the dream ends, the luck runs out, the happiness goes away. Every single time I come home, I count.
And tonight I dropped Jake off at the hospital and I came home and opened the door and I counted. And only two came. And it broke my heart.
We’re some cranky old bitches around here. Bruiser wants warm laps, warm blankets and to be left alone. Chelsea wants to be invisible, skulking in the corners, easily startled, flees when you look at her too long. I am a notoriously cranky, misanthropic, unhappy wretch. The only one of us around here with a decent personality is lovable, happy-go-lucky old Jake. Not a care in the world Jake, “Why you growling at me when I stand on your head? Don’t you want your head stood on?” Jake. Watching his furry, bouncy little booty navigate the stairs in the morning… his pure excitement to be awake and alive and GOING OUTSIDE and GETTING TO EAT, it’s infectious. I need him. We all three need him, but I need him most. I need him to be OK.
And even though I’ve been thinking that my cranky refusal to be happy was going to be protection once it came time to feel sad, I am finding it’s woefully inadequate, because I am shattered. Please send good thoughts our way.
One Response to “The Jake Chronicles”
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Heidi on
October 31, 2008 9:49 pm
Is he home? Is he ok? Do you know what was wrong? *worry* I’m sending him all my best hugs. All the best hugs except the ones I sent you first, anyway.
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