Helemaal Niets
As is often the case when I haven’t been saying anything for awhile, I really haven’t had anything to say. And what I have had to say, I haven’t wanted to share.
I’ve been more than my fair share of paranoid lately, and my stress level is truly insane. I wake up at night, worrying.
3 a.m. and I lay awake fretting over flowers I haven’t watered, baseboards I haven’t dusted, phone calls I haven’t made, work I haven’t proofread, conversations I haven’t had. I worry about things I said that are taken the wrong way, things I forgot to say that needed saying. Things people said to me and what they meant, things I need to do that I forgot to put on the list of things I need to do. Things people are going to do to me, things they’re going to do that I have to fix. Things that are going to go wrong and how I am going to fix them. Big things, small things, everything. All of it useless, angering me because it’s taking up my time and brain and rest.
It seems as if all of my friends are in the middle of major life dramas; divorce, homelessness, joblessness, depression, money troubles, health troubles. The world is falling apart and everything’s going wronger by the minute. Nothing about me seems very meaningful in the face of that.
My own treadmill of worthless time-wasting work and worry keeps speeding forward, and my life is thrown away on the most useless things, in the most useless ways. I work nonstop for enough money to maintain a life that bores me beyond sanity, and I don’t know how to stop. I don’t see anything else that would be less boring, and I am afraid to let go of what I have for something even more useless. I’m sick and I am scared and I am lost. Everyone seems so much happier than I am, no matter what they’re doing. Why isn’t everyone else screaming?
See why I haven’t had much to share? What’s the point in putting more of this out there? Anyway, you know where I am if you need some Eeyore thrown at you.
Filed under: anti-socialism, introversion |Leave a Reply
