Living in Dali
My work life is so surreal right now. Nothing that happens makes any sense. Nothing that I say is what needs to be said, nor does it bear any resemblance to what I am thinking.
The less I say what I think the more people think I am awesome for agreeing with them, and then I just go and do what needs to be done without reference for what I told them I was going to do.
Mostly they don’t remember what they were wanting from me anyway, because they didn’t understand what they were talking about when they were trying to tell me what they wanted.
It’s enough to drive me totally insane. The most insane-making part of it is how I am getting USED to it. I don’t want to be the person who successfully navigates these waters. I feel this huge schism opening between who I pretend to be all day and who I am, and I don’t want that. It was too much work (and cost too much in therapy bills) to integrate the real me and the me-you-see in the first place. I don’t think any job is worth subdividing my sense of self.
The only thing I can do is be myself REALLY HARD whenever I am not there, and it makes me feel vaguely manic, the need for that much self-expression between 4 and 10 p.m. every day. Especially because I am so exhausted all the time. I have someone bugging me to do some freelance work for them, and I was telling MyTodd™ that I didn’t have the energy to contact them and deal with it right now. He said “Yeah, you sound like you barely have the energy to tell me about it.” Which, I thought I was maintaining a BIT more perky of a facade, but apparently not.
Anyway.
Doing lots of Cure listening lately. Continuing on the retro kick. Is it a sign of lack of personal development that I feel like the same songs describe me now as I thought did in 1988? (Parse that sentence, I dare you.)
Maybe it’s more about the immutable nature of Susans, who may bend and sway and even grow, but adamantly refuse to be moved.
Filed under: anti-socialism, introversion, lyrics |You’re begging me to stay
But I’m laughing in your face
You’re so desperate
Not to let those years of care
Go to waste
But it was you who wanted love
Not romance
You have to pay my price
Bodies may be made of fire
Souls are made of iceI’m mean
And cold
I’m cold
I’m told
I’d love to love you girl
But my body
Has just been soldThe Cure - “I’m Cold”
3 Responses to “Living in Dali”
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I’m tired and energy-free all the time lately, too. And I think you were right when you said that the last 8 years hasn’t helped anyone’s positive mental energy. Other than Bush and Dick, I guess.
Also, I think outwitting your stupid co-workers is very Susany. Maybe it’s best not to explain actual thoughts to them. I mean, explaining a logical thinking process to stupid people is pretty much a waste of time, right? It’s not so much successfully navigating the waters of stupid as it is learning to translate stupid into normal. At which point there’s no reason to bother explaining it back to the to the people who spoke the stupid in the first place.
I think we need a nap now.
And no, I don’t think you’re disturbed because The Cure makes you happy. Because that would make ME disturbed too, and I won’t fess up to that in public.
I think I will go hunt down a video for Friday I’m in Love. Because even though I’m not, it’s still Friday. Catch is my favorite Cure video, though, I think.