…but because it is his

Narcissus does not fall in love with his reflection because it is beautiful, but because it is his.

If it were his beauty that enthralled him, he would be set free in a few years by its fading. – W.H. Auden

My name is Susan, and I’m addicted to narcissists.

Though I have known for years that I tend to form strange-attractor relationships with narcissists, each time one of my new “friends” is revealed as having Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am again stunned at my peculiar (perhaps willful) blind spot for this condition.

I am not talking about people who are just self-centered and/or occasionally grandiose, but people who have clinical NPD – an inability to see others as real people with wants, needs and feelings. To clinical narcissists we’re all just cogs in their massive ego-feeding machine. We’re wanted as long as we’re useful for that purpose and we’re disposable once we’re not.

Narcissists can be hard to detect; they can masquerade as normal people for a surprisingly long time – when it suits them. Some of them can successfully hold down jobs, and since they hate to be alone they are usually surrounded with “friends”. Some of their actions toward you or others may seem altruistic or even benevolent. For instance they like to be seen as helping others, rescuing the less-capable or using their “special” abilities and knowledge to assist friends and family. They’re also quite skilled liars/serial exaggerators (especially about other people and events in their lives) so unless you get to know them in their native habitat and can assess their truthfulness for yourself, you may be taken in. For instance, a narcissist may complain incessantly about the inadequacies of their friends, family or coworkers. They may explain to you in detail how they have helped/assisted/educated/saved these people. It’s not until you meet them that you discover the contribution of the narcissist was probably rather less than they have claimed, and the other party was not in quiet as hapless, helpless and inept as they were reported to be.

One of the key indicators of narcissism (and my particular downfall in recognition of them) is that they have no empathy whatsoever and show no interest in other people’s lives (unless they think that person is of a special importance/level of expertise and/or will impact their own life in some way that they desire). They will expect you to be very interested in them, their projects, their day-to-day heroics (or minutia) and whatever else they want to show off about. But they will almost never ask what you are thinking/doing/working on, and will not be able to dredge up more than the most superficial interest in things you attempt to convey to them.

I almost never recognize this because:

1. I am usually quite interested in other people, as I find them and their different ways of being quite fascinating.
2. I am by nature pretty private, and I don’t expect other people to be interested in what I am doing.
3. The kind of narcissists that I am attracted to usually ARE extraordinarily talented in some way. So I will spend my time finding out all I can about who they are and what they do, and by the time I have sucked out enough information about them to satisfy me and begin to wonder why they don’t care at all about anything I do, it’s too late.
4. I feel more in control when I am asking and learning rather than explaining and revealing, so I actually prefer their lack of curiosity (at first). It doesn’t raise red flags that they’ve never asked anything about me and my life until much further on.

That last point is the key to why I continue to seek out and involve myself with these sorts of people. My own need for control is pretty intense, and a narcissist demands almost nothing personal from people in their sphere. They don’t probe, they don’t try to figure out what makes you tick, they don’t ask things you don’t want to answer, they don’t make you reveal more than you’re comfortable with. They are content to have an audience, to share their grandeur with you. Frequently I think narcissists are quite funny and entertaining, until I realize that they’re serious in their grandiosity and bizarre fantasies/world views. Their idea of a “reward” for other people is to bless them with (the narcissist’s) divine presence, and their idea of punishment and control of others is to deny them that same glorious presence. It can be quite astonishing and highly fascinating to observe.

But in the end, getting hooked to a narcissist is poisonous to a normal person’s state of mind. You can’t just “be” with a narcissist because they are liable to suck you dry and spit out your bones, then go looking for more – from you or the next person in their path. It really doesn’t matter who. You can’t ever give enough of yourself to satisfy them – after all they think they deserve your complete attention and devotion! They want help, advice, assistance, pity, admiration, understanding, flattery, attention. They want you to watch them and listen to them, to admire and be awed by them. At 3 a.m., right before your big presentation at work or right after your dog died, it’s all the same to them.

They will almost never give back anything to their victims and are incapable of giving anything other than lip-service to the idea of emotional support. (Although they will assure you that they are the emotional bedrock and caretaker for vast scores of other people). Because they can’t understand why you feel the way you feel they don’t ever consider how their actions might affect you, nor do they care about it once you tell them. In fact they’re likely to scorn you as weak for having any needs of them at all. Telling them that you care about them is disastrous because they now believe that they own you. They will discard you at this point or (if you are useful to them in some way) will expect complete compliance with their desires. If you don’t comply then you don’t really care about them, do you? They’re also incapable of recognizing that their actions cause any problems or conflict, and therefore unwilling and unable to change. Other people frequently need to change to accommodate them, of course.

Narcissists are thought to have actual cognitive problems in perception, empathizing and rationalizing. Whether it’s due to nature or nurture they are unable to care about things that aren’t affecting them directly. Traditional therapy doesn’t work on them and I’ve read that anti-depressants can actually aggravate their underlying grandiosity. The only safe thing you can do to maintain your mental health is get away from them*, because they do not have (and are extremely unlikely to develop) the skills needed to in order to maintain a mutually beneficial relationship. Asking a narcissist to care about you is like asking a paraplegic to run a marathon for you. No matter whether they want to or not, they just are not able.

My best strategy is to pity them, from a great distance, and hope that I am more on my game when the next one rolls around. Unfortunately I tend to run on a 3-year cycle with my new narcissists. Usually I fall hard for one, figure out what I am doing, then get so disgusted with myself about it that I swear off relationships FOREVER – or just long enough to forget the warning signs.

A few years ago I read a great book about growing up with narcissistic parents, which might help those who tend to fall for them now. It’s called “Trapped in the Mirror” by Elan Golomb and deals with breaking those cycles (maybe it’s time for me to read it again, eh?)

I think I need to develop a pocket checklist for new people/potential lovers I meet. Or else just not date anyone who doesn’t carry some kind of therapist’s voucher. “Have successfully completed a course of therapy and does not currently present an emotional hazard to self or others.”

* Note that they can’t deal with rejection though, and if you try to leave them they will attempt to bring you back into their sphere of influence, if only so that they can then dump you.

   Filed under: anti-socialism, dating drama, introversion | Comments (4)