Barbs and Pointlessness
It’s not the spark that caused the fire.
It was the air you breathed that fanned the flame.- Over the Rhine, “Spark“
It’s no surprise to anyone that I remain confused by the people I interact with. It’s not that I don’t understand how they feel – sometimes my empathy for people I don’t even LIKE can overwhelm me – but I don’t understand what they do about how they feel.
(Unless I am in the middle of some sort of emotional shit-storm/freakout, and hey that can happen.) I try to evaluate what I am doing in terms of what my desired outcome is, and whether I am likely to achieve it by the action I am planning or any other action. If I am doing something that I can see from the outset won’t get me what I want, I usually either stop doing it altogether or modify my strategy. I’ve learned over what seems like a million years of fruitless actions that there’s no forcing anything in this world – at least in relation to people. You take people as they are – full stop – or you walk away.
For an obvious example – my Dad is an active alcoholic, and frequently also an asshole. Every time I visit my parents I could spend my time arguing with him about his drinking, his assholish comments, his racism, his insane politics or whatever else of his I don’t agree with. Which would gain me… nothing. Ever. He’s going to stay an alcoholic, sometimes-asshole. I could walk away from the relationship entirely, and I’ve tried that several times over the years. But he’s my Dad. Aside from the fact that I would be running into him when I try to visit my Mom – awkward! – there are good qualities about him, I can see clearly that he’s only a product of his upbringing, and although he can’t say he loves me there’s usually nothing he won’t do for me (aside from the obvious “giving up drinking” part.)
My point is that I’ve just had to accept that. Can’t change him, unwilling to remove him from my life completely, so acceptance is the only way. Make your peace with the things you can’t ever fight. Especially “for your own good!” things you want to change about other people. That doesn’t mean I let all of his bullshit comments pass, or that I subject myself needlessly to his drunken nonsense-fests, but I manage the relationship so that it’s OK for me to take some limited part in it. What I’ve learned is that there is a hell of a lot of shit you can ignore when you A) consider the source and B) don’t have to live with it full-time.
It’s the same thing with other people you choose to be involved with. Friends, lovers and everything in between – they’re unchangeable. Unless they have asked for your advice and involvement in re-shaping their actions (and most of the time even then) they’re just not going to do anything differently in response to your concern/worry/busy-bodying/bossiness. And most of the time we’re only trying to serve our own egos in the attempt, anyway. So what’s the point of feuding with them? Accept it or distance yourself. Your don’t like their drinking habits/eating habits/sleeping around/snorting coke off their dog’s ass? Well, who asked you? Feigning concern in order to seem more mature/evolved/emotionally nurturing is bullshit. Likewise starting some big whisper campaign “for the other person’s good” because of all of your faux-concern. Likewise creating a scene in public. Likewise passive-aggressive drama-rama.
If you’d like to cut down on the drama and upset in your life then evaluate the possible outcome of your actions, smart-ass commentary and gossiping. Will it be effective? Will you achieve your goal? If not, then why are you wasting your energy? Figure out what you’re getting out of trying to control and change other people, and usually you will then also figure out you have enough of your own shit to work on that you can leave them alone. And especially don’t start all your shit when I have taken the time and trouble to get out amongst the populace. When I want drama I watch TV. When I go out around people I want to laugh and have a good time.
If you need to be busy making the world better one person at a time, start with yourself.
Filed under: anti-socialism, friends o' mine, introversion | Comments (2)2 Responses to “Barbs and Pointlessness”
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I ended a relationship about 3 or 4 years ago for various reasons (some of them my fault admittedly) but basically because I came to a realisation: I am not responsible for everyone else’s happiness.
I had about two years after that where I was determined to follow this – some of my oldest friends were disappointed because I wouldn’t travel 50 miles to go on a stag party in the middle of a crappy city centre, but I thought, “I don’t want to go, so why am I even bothering to consider it for the sake of making them feel better?”
I’ve lessened up on it a little now, but I still try to keep in mind that other people are not my responsibility – whether it’s their stupid decisions, their weirdo views or just the fact of them being plane wrong on something I tend not to interfere and as you say it’s much less stressful that way.
But I maintain that when I do choose to be around people, good conversation is SO much more relaxing than cold-war hostilities and antics. I just seem to see a lot of my friends spending way too much time trying to advise and fix each other, and getting angry when the person they have their heart set on fixing doesn’t cooperate and get fixed already! Then they have to run around gossiping with each other over the person’s refusal to do whatever. That’s so fruitless.
Reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. She was crabbing about having to do something she didn’t want to because someone asked her and she “couldn’t” say no. I asked her why she answered the phone when they called, since she knew what they wanted. She was astonished that I didn’t always talk to everyone who wanted to talk to me and made a sarcastic comment about “Oh! You’re just like my husband, he never does stuff that he doesn’t want to do either. Well, it must be nice to live your life like that, just never dealing with people you don’t want to deal with.” and I said “Yeah – it is.”