What you didn’t know about me – And you!
I don’t know whether I find this product more stupid or more offensive.
It’s hard to tell in my pre-pregnant state.
?
What, you didn’t know I was pre-pregnant? Well, you might be too! Welcome to the days of being valued only for the potential life your body can yield.
“New federal guidelines ask all females capable of conceiving a baby to treat themselves — and to be treated by the health care system — as pre-pregnant, regardless of whether they plan to get pregnant anytime soon”
“We know that women — unless you’re actively planning [a pregnancy], . . . she doesn’t want to talk about it,” Biermann said. So clinicians must find a “way to do this and not scare women,” by promoting preconception care as part of standard women’s health care, she said.”
Yeah, well you know if I wasn’t already terrified at your subject/verb agreement, I might be scared that the government mandates that my personal physician treat me like a baby-factory from my first period until my first hot-flash. Or that the CDC has such an intense interest in my uterus in the first place.
What’s next? “Accept your ‘pre-pregnancy’ care or be sterilized”?
Or, forced “pre-pregnancy” care at certain high-security institutions, for our own good and the good of our fetus-to-be?
Fuck off CDC, and get me some freaking universal health care already. Then you can start crabbing about my lack of folic acid.
Filed under: marketing mayhem, political malfeasance, women's issues | Comments (7)7 Responses to “What you didn’t know about me – And you!”
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One day, we will ensure that the human female will have EVERY SINGLE EGG in her ovaries fertilized, matured, and born before she reaches menopause…or, you know, dies from some totally unrelated exhaustion. If this means outlawing abortion, tracking your pre-pregnancy care, or instituting forced sexual relationships, then so be it. We are committed to over-populating the earth by any means necessary.
Now get back in the kitchen and pre-heat the oven for my pre-game meal before I’m forced to severely and repeatedly violate the terms of our pre-nuptials.
Posted 5/17/2006 1:44 AM by Slovman
This line from the product page had me a bit confused “a proprietory delivery enahncer that helps penetration”. Besides the spelling error, I couldn’t figure out how penetration assistance and fat reduction were necessarily related.
Must be my pre-inseminative state. Hmmm, maybe I should wear looser underwear to protect my birth related equipment.
Posted 5/17/2006 10:23 AM by micalclark
I had something witty to write here. Then, I read micalclark’s comment, laughed until I pissed myself, and forgot. Thanks. Ya had to be the funny bastard.
Posted 5/17/2006 10:38 AM by morriganshadow
Mical, don’t you know that only the proper type of white christian conservative will be allowed to breed? No need taking care of your equipment – it won’t be necessary. You and Slovman, thanks for making me (and probably morrie) remember that there ARE guys out there who get this stuff.
Anyway, I’m not really awake yet, I have to get penetrated by some “caffeine encapsulated QuSomes™”
WTF? That’s like some kind of Star Trek TNG babble right there.
Posted 5/17/2006 11:51 AM by superbadG
Somehow I don’t think “I’m fat, penetrate me!” will become the siren song of the 21st Century.
Posted 5/17/2006 3:27 PM by Slovman
… and you can get free gift packaging. I can hardly imagine the look of excitement on your lady’s face when she receives fatgirlslim for her birthday or anniversary.
Posted 5/18/2006 11:59 AM by micalclark
[...] using my uterus for his breeding program? I am tired of being pre-pregnant, FWIW. Can I just be non-pregnant for awhile? Mood : dizzy in my head Filed under [...]