In Which I Grow Some Stuff (I hope).

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So my mom gave me this Topsy Turvy Tomato Tree thing. Since I don’t really feel like digging up a bunch of my yard to plant (I seriously overplanted at my last house, and burned myself out on the upkeep, now I don’t want to do jack.) this seemed like a good solution.

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Topsy Turvy Tomato Tree, I am afraid you will fall over in high wind!

I got three varieties of tomatoes, two cherries, one roma (I don’t remember their names right now.) I wanted smaller tomatoes because I’ve read that the vertical/gravitational/whatever growth pattern with these grow bags can cause the tomato stems to snap if the fruit is too heavy. So I figured, smaller fruit, less chance of that, right? Right? So anyway, I got the tomatoes, then two kinds of thyme, lemon and common, and some rosemary. This rosemary is supposed to be hardy in my zone, but obviously won’t be if it’s in a bag suspended in the air, but whatever.

This thing was kind of a pain in the ass to put together, especially with just one person. There was one piece that was defective from the get-go, that thing at the bottom, in the middle of the legs is actually upside down in this picture, it’s supposed to stabilize the legs, but if you put it the way it’s supposed to go, the supplied screw won’t fit in the hole, it’s not long enough. So I did it like this, because after trying for five minutes I was bored of it.

After that it was pretty easy to put together, just a little bit awkward, and it reminded me that I am not a strong person. I really need to do some strength training, because whoa, doing this amount of work should not wear out my muscles. In my defense, I’ve been so protective of my back/spine this last year that I have avoided anything that might stress it, but dang, I do want to be able to carry a bag of dirt without feeling like I might break.

So anyway, I have planted things! Good healthy plants in organic soil! I look forward to herbs and tomatoes this summer, and I hope to eat them fresh plus have some leftover to sauce and can. I will update you on their progress as that progress occurs.

In Which I Accidentally Bought a Dirty Old Rag from ASOS

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Recently I had to re-order a favorite dress from ASOS. I got this black tank dress last year, and I have worn it at least once a week since. I got it caught in the seatbelt mechanism of my car, and it developed a hole, and the hole turned into a run-type rip, so I had to replace it. When I went to buy the dress again, they had a sale for 10% off orders over $75, so I added another dress onto the order (I know, spend $40 to save $8, whatever.) This is the dress I added:

ASOS CURVE Cold Shoulder Dress In Acid Wash $41.56

ASOS CURVE Cold Shoulder Dress In Acid Wash $41.56

The dress looked similar to another dress they’d offered this spring, but that one had received bad reviews for having weird, not-stretchy fabric, so I had bypassed it. This one said 100% pure cotton jersey, so that sounded ideal. I didn’t know what they meant by “acid wash” as it just looked black to me, but I thought I would try it.

I got my package yesterday, and my tank dress is perfect (yay!) but this cold-shoulder dress is another story. Basically, I have to think that someone at ASOS is having some kind of prank on the world, because the garment I received is something that I would pass up for $1 at the thrift store.

Firstly, “acid wash” must mean “old as fuck, sweat-stained old black t-shirt that someone wore to work on the car.” The “acid wash” is apparently a mild bleaching process on the neckline and seams that looks, rather than intentional or fashionable, just plain-old worn out and terrible.

"Acid Wash"

“Acid Wash”

Additionally, the cold shoulder effect is created by tearing/ripping the shoulders out of this thing, and the seams are left raw. Observe:

Raw seams add to the effect.

Raw seams add to the effect.

Finally, the cut of the old raggedy oversized men’s t-shirt dress is just boxy and straight up & down, so the “dress” really does give the effect of being an old, worn-out oversized men’s t-shirt from the dumpster, which you’re wearing because you just murdered someone and had to get out of your bloodstained clothes. Or, perhaps you’re carrying on an illicit affair and had to jump nude out a window in a hurry, and got this ripped up piece of junk from the clothesline of an unfortunate.

Honestly, as I stated above, I would turn up my nose at this on offer for $1 at the thrift store, never mind paying more than $40 for it “new.” It went back today.

I feel as if I am being very harsh on ASOS lately, and I do really like a lot of their clothes. So let me just add that I bought this dress in black, and love it so much I am thinking about buying a backup:

ASOS CURVE Exclusive Smock Dress With Frill Hem

ASOS CURVE Exclusive Smock Dress With Frill Hem

And I bought this dress in black (sense a theme?) and am going to be buying it in gray as well. It’s awesome, and I can see myself wearing it constantly this summer.

ASOS CURVE Swing Dress With Short Sleeve

ASOS CURVE Swing Dress With Short Sleeve

I also got this shirt (now on sale for $18!) and I love it lots.

ASOS CURVE Exclusive Peplum Top In Stripe With Long Sleeves

ASOS CURVE Exclusive Peplum Top In Stripe With Long Sleeves

So, you know, I don’t hate everything. Just this piece of crap they were trying to pass off as clothing, when it was actually a dirty dumpster rag.

 

 

 

 

My Love/Hate Relationship with ASOS Curve

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Oh ASOS. What a frustrating company you are.

Everybody who’s ever tried shopping while inhabiting a fat body knows that it’s challenging. Things that are stylish, things that fit, things in your price range, it’s like the most unattainable of Venn diagrams. Recently I’ve seen a fake BINGO card (see here)  making the rounds online, with plus-size items to check off, such as “ruined by weird applique,” “dolman sleeves,” “polyester.” And that’s all true. Plus size offerings, while improving in the last few years, can be very dire. Enter ASOS.

ASOS is a UK brand that offers straight and plus-sized items that are generally decently well made (which I define as “will last a season”) for a generally decent price. But for those of us who shop plus size, they’re also very frustrating to deal with, because even though they do offer some items for us, shopping with them can feel like snatching at crumbs. They seem to offer us things grudgingly, with little thought or care put into the merchandising, and even less care put into the marketing. The (purposeful or inadvertent) message I get from them is that I ought to be grateful they carry anything in my size at all, take it and shut up.

Setting me off today is this notice I got on my FB feed.

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Bargains?! Sign me up!

I visit the ASOS site and see this:

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50% off 50 pieces! Nice! Let’s browse!

Oh, wait.

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Shoot, looks like they’ve mixed the straight sized and Curve collections together. Let me just filter for Curve only, and then I can…

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Whaaaaat? Two things? You are having a fabulous 50 summer essentials sale, and you put two things in my size in the sale? How are these two items key summer pieces? They’re not. Obviously they’re not. Summer essentials are basics, like kicky dresses in solid colors and cropped pants and swimsuit coverups. They’re not this. These things are clearly an afterthought. Who are you fooling? Nobody. Shitty marketing. Way to convince your customers you honestly don’t give two shits about them. This is a joke.

Also, I get frustrated with ASOS Curve models. Because their “plus size” models look like this:

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Which only makes sense when you look at the “straight” range and see that those models look like this:

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This says “petite” but this same model is in their straight range as well.

Now, I shop plus size, and I read a lot of body positive media, and I avoid popular media, magazines, advertising and television, so my eye is trained differently than most people’s eyes are, perhaps. But some of the models on their site are actually shocking. Especially if the camera is adding 10 pounds. Without body shaming anyone, I will just say I don’t know if they’re being responsible in their choice of models for their straight size division, because I know very, very few people who look like this in real life. ASOS have stated that they have a very hard time finding plus sized models. Right. Because there is such a dearth of pretty,  plus sized ladies who’d love to break into modelling. Gotcha.

Final issue (for today) is their god-awful merchandising and styling. Holy mother of god, how do they make these things look this terrible? I can’t tell you the amount of times that I’ve seen something hideous on ASOS’s website, then seen it styled perfectly on a legitimate fat body in the plus-size/fatshion blogosphere, then gone back to purchase it and have it be sold out.

I mean. Look at this shirt.

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The only thing this styling says to me is “We don’t care. Why do you care, you fat sack of potatoes?” I mean, this is just sad.

Here’s another perfect case in point. I saw this awful thing on their site and gave it a wide berth:

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Also wut is up with ur hair.

Imagine my surprise when I saw it correctly styled on the lovely and talented Gabi of Gabifresh.com (Do you follow her? Follow her!)

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Look how god-damned cute she is! She made this pile of awful really look fantastic. It actually has potential, but evidently no one at ASOS took the time or trouble to make it look decent. And that’s the part I don’t understand. Businesses want to make money. So why aren’t they correctly leveraging this brand? Why is it such an afterthought? Why is it styled so badly and photographed so poorly and why can’t we get a real plus-sized model, and why are we so woefully under-represented in the sale sections? Who’s in charge of the Curve division? Do they like their job? Do they have a shitty attitude about it, which gets passed down to all their employees, who then treat this line as an afterthought? I would really really like to know why one of the only decently priced/accessible/fashion forward plus sized ranges out there has SUCH BAD MARKETING. Anyone have any insight?

Product Review: Tarte Miracle of Maracuja Eight Piece Set

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As I said in an earlier post, I bought this set a week ago, and now it’s time for review!

When I saw this online for the price of $59.96, I couldn’t believe all the products were full size. In fact, the promo picture was so clearly Photoshopped that I assumed they’d tried to make at least the maracuja oil look much bigger than it was. It was only upon reading the user reviews that someone mentioned it was full size. Still, I couldn’t really believe it until the box came. But as you see, everything is actually full size!

Full Miracle of Maracuja 8 Piece Set
Full Miracle of Maracuja 8 Piece Set

The set contains:

  • pure maracuja oil with dropper ($46)
  • maracuja creaseless concealer ($24)
  • lights, camera, lashes mascara in black ($19)
  • envoke the smoke eyeshadow quad ($22)
  • airblush maracuja blush in amused (bright poppy) ($25)
  • maracuja divine shine lip gloss in peaceful (nude pink) ($21)
  • cashmere waterproof eyeliner in black ($18)
  • blush brush ($28-ish)

I also selected a sample of their clean slate™ 360º creaseless 12-hr smoothing eye primer and when I opened my box I was excited to see that they’d included two additional good-sized samples (above image, top right) the Amazonian clay waterproof shadow primer and a “sneak peek” of their new Brazilliance™ skin rejuvenating maracuja face and body self tanner.

So, let’s see. First things first, the maracuja oil. I really love this stuff. I use it at night after I shower, in lieu of moisturizer. Even though it’s an oil, it does not make me oily, and I think it actually helps keep my pores clean and clear. Maybe good oil in there instead of bad. It’s supposed to do miracles for the skin, and I can’t attest to that, but what I can say is that it makes my skin feel comfortable and moisturized at night, and super baby soft when I wake up in the morning. It’s taken care of some dry patches I developed near my nose, and I like it. Not greasy, no strong smell, I am a fan. Can’t attest to magic wrinkle reduction or whatever, but it’s good stuff. Oh, and it’s only for night application, because the oil does make you more sensitive to harmful rays or something. I don’t know, look it up.

Maracuja creaseless concealer. Now, I have mixed feelings about this stuff. One thing I will say, it’s clear that they are clearing out inventory with this sale, because I have this product in a different shade from Sephora, and the one I got from them is in the old packaging. Since the product is still good, I don’t care, but just FYI. I had heard raves about this product to really moisturize under-eyes, but when I bought my first tube I thought the people doing the raving must be nuts. For one thing, it’s a really thick product. I think they’re working on the packaging for this, because it is extremely hard to get out of the tube. A combination of product thickness, the width of the neck of the tube, and what feels like too much air in the tube itself. So it’s a little hard to work with, just in terms of getting it out of the tube. It’s also somewhat tricky on the skin. It’s great with a teeny amount for covering blemishes or red spots, but I really wanted it for undereye. I was used to a thinner concealer, and the first few times I tried it I used way too much product. I ended up with super cakey horribly obvious concealer circles, plus the product settled into my existing wrinkles (which aren’t even bad!) and made them visible from across the room. I didn’t like! Not at all! But now that I’ve played with it more, changed my application method and the amount of product I am using, I am a fan. It’s thick, it’s waterproof, you have to blend it softly and well (I am using a beauty blender) but once you get it on properly, it stays in place.

Lights Camera Lashes Mascara – I have raved about tarte mascaras before. I love them all. Again, this brand seems to be struggling with packaging problems, though. The sample sizes of their mascaras apply like a dream, but the full size come out too thick and clumpy. I am most happy with this mascara (and their Amazonian Clay Smart mascara) when the tube is about halfway empty. Then the brush has the right amount of product, and for me there really isn’t a better mascara around. I hope they work that out. In the meantime, I’ve ordered a “spoolie” brush to help brush my lashes out after application and clean off the excess.

Envoke the Smoke eyeshadow quad: I was worried that this quad would be a dupe of the palette from my “Puttin on the Glitz” set, and as you will see below, the colors are similar, but are not the same (Especially the dusty shimmery lilac in the quad. So pretty!)

Top row, from the Puttin on the Glitz palette. Bottom row, from the quad.

Top row, from the Puttin on the Glitz palette. Bottom row, from the quad.

Huh. Okay in this picture, they look identical. Trust me they’re not? Anyway. The quad is more portable than the palette, and at this price (for the set) it was free, so I will not complain.

Next up is the airblush maracuja blush in amused, which is just brilliant. A powder, but the softest, creamiest powder you’ve ever encountered. They call the color “poppy” and it’s a bit peachier/warmer than I’d usually select, but it has a fantastic golden sheen, and is going to be perfect for summer. I really love the sheer and buildable way it applies. Huge fan.

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Looks a little more orange here than it appears in person. Blame all the cool blue-grey tones in my bedroom.

airblush in amused

airblush in amused

Then we’ve got their maracuja divine shine lip gloss in peaceful. Packaging problems again! This is a lovely (somewhat sticky) minty gloss, but it has a click pen delivery system. From other reviews I’d seen I knew the click pens were hard to work with, so for fun I counted how many clicks until I actually got product. Eighty-six. 86 clicks! Too many clicks, people. By then I don’t even care anymore. So yes it’s fine gloss. But the packaging is not great and it’s not $21 worth of fine. NYX glosses are just as nice and have a doe-foot wand applicator.

Next we’ve got their black cashmere eyeliner – I will just say I am not a fan. I am really more into the creamy slide-on pencils (NYX, Urban Decay, Sephora) and these harder, drier pencils don’t do it for me anymore.

Then their blush brush. While I wouldn’t pay $28 for it, it is a lovely, well made duo-fiber brush, and it  really works well with the airblush. Provides light, buildable layers. Very nice.

The samples I got were their “regular” (creamy, liquid) eye primer, which performs well (most eye primers are pretty much the same to me now, this did just as well as Urban Decay, but then again, so does Elf’s primer. So.) Now the sample of their amazonian clay eye primer (linked above) was really interesting. Pale pink and somewhat chalkier and more opaque than most primers I’ve used, I am not sure it would suit darker skin tones. However, it’s a very dry product, and that makes me think it might really be excellent for summer, when it’s so hot your face gets totally greasy and everything wants to slide off. This might be the perfect thing to keep eye products in place on super hot days. I will test it out again when it gets hotter.

They also sent me a sample of their self tanner, but I don’t use self-tanner very often, so I haven’t tried it yet. Maybe on my legs later in the spring.

Okay, that’s my review! I feel like this was excellent value for money, some of these products are proven favorites, and the new ones (airblush, eye primers) were very good quality. Very glad I purchased this set. Let me know if there’s anything you’d like to know about these products that I didn’t cover.

I Buy Things: Beauty Brands Lash Bash

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Beauty Brands did me up right.

Beauty Brands did me up right.

So have you heard about this sale yet? Beauty Brands is having a “Lash Bash” and selling tons of high-end mascaras for $10.98. This is a phenomenal sale, since my Tarte go-to mascara is usually $19 a tube. Even though I’d recent bought one, I stocked up and bought two. That should be my mascara needs met for the rest of the year, at least. Sale lasts until early May. Get some!

I also wanted to try a new base coat, and had heard good things about CND. As luck would have it, this CND Stickey was on clearance for 35% off. I also picked up an older OPI color, Totally Fort Worth It, I think it’s called. A pretty soft opalescent gray. I am off to try it out now. Here’s a picture of it. Not my picture.

That all almost made up for the fact that I had to go to the grocery store, and even though I went out of my way to go to the classier, more expensive store, I was still subjected to seeing some guy in sport shorts with one foot propped up on his cart, who stuck his hand right up his pant leg to the wrist and gave his balls the deepest, most comprehensive scratch I’ve had the displeasure to witness. I mean right up the pant leg. Right on up there, a full fingered ball scratch/massage.

I am trying to be less judgmental of what people do in public, but I don’t even know. I feel like I can draw the line at grown people’s bare hands on their own or someone else’s private parts in public, unless there is an emergency. And then at least be discreet, or look chastened or shamed. Not just fucking casual like, “Let me prop my foot up right here and…. oooh yeah, ball scratch baby. No big thing.” Ugh. (This is why I disfavor sport shorts worn in public, generally, but again, trying not to be judgmental. But come ON.)

I Buy Things: Tarte Miracle of Maracuja 8 Piece Set

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In celebration of the fact that my teeny-tiny moron dog does not need an expensive (and so scary!) dental (or more accurately that he cannot have one due to his having all the disorders in the world at once) I treated myself to this sale set I had been eyeing from Tarte. Selling for $59.96 (so much less than $60!) the set contains:

  • pure maracuja oil with dropper ($46)
  • maracuja creaseless concealer ($24)
  • lights, camera, lashes mascara in black ($19)
  • envoke the smoke eyeshadow quad ($22)
  • airblush maracuja blush in amused (bright poppy) ($25) 
  • maracuja divine shine lip gloss in peaceful (nude pink) ($21)
  • cashmere waterproof eyeliner in black ($18)
  • blush brush ($28-ish)

That totals $203. Now, would I actually ever buy all these things at their original prices? No. I would not. But what I would buy at full price is the maracuja oil for $46 (makes my skin so soft and happy, used instead of a moisturizer at night) and the mascara for $19 (that’s my go-to brand for mascara) for a total of $65. So that means that basically everything else in the set is free, and I do use and love their eye shadows, lip glosses and blushes. Their eyeliner is just so-so, honestly, and I have not loved their version of the smudge stick, the “Smolder Eyes” stuff. But a plain black eyeliner will always have a home on my makeup table. So while I didn’t really NEED this stuff right now, it really was too good a deal to pass up. Also, free shipping and no tax, since they must not have any stand-alone stores in Missouri. It should arrive next week, and I will do a review of it then.

On Bossing Up

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This is still and forever relevant. The thing that makes this woman think she’s going to “look stupid” is one of the most on-point breakdowns of what it’s like to be a woman in charge. And that fear of looking and sounding stupid? That’s one of the more insidious, fucked up things about the patriarchy  That even trying to identify it, explain it, shove it out of its cave and into the light, you feel as if it makes you sound nuts. Or as if you’re whining. When you’re just trying to point out that the rules are different for you.

I don’t even really like (or know that well, really) her music, but I like her. I respect her, because of this.